Moopyvision 2010-2019 Round 9: Australia, Cyprus & Lithuania

Sam Smith can't do Eurovision. As an openly gay man, they wouldn't let him through the door. He's already broken down that barrier once for the Oscars.
 
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4th: Guy Sebastian - Tonight Again (72pts)

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bUt aUsTrAliA IsNt EvEn In EuRoP!!!!!!!!!! :manson:

Ah yes, the most controversial thing to happen to The Contest since Ulrika Johnson threw down with that Dutch Denise Welch lookalike. The gay tuts could be heard from Belgrade to Brisbane when it was announced that Australia would be competing in the Contest.

Understandably, the Aussies opted to play it quite safe with their first go of things, while also setting out their blueprint for the future. Big star, flashy stage show and a catchy modern pop number at the heart of it. Guy Sebastian was a beloved local figure who got his start on the first Australian series of Pop Idol. His song was the sort of thing Olly Murs used to fart out at the height of his career. The whole thing was very... professional.

5th feels about right for this. A strong start for Australia, but there was better (i.e. female fronted artists) to follow.

1 x 12 (dmlaw)
5 x 0 (Dark Carnival, Penelope, SDF, Ill Advised, Superstylin')
 
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I hated that at the time, I was waiting for them to bring a new sound. Instead, to me it sounded like what I thought the US would sound if they ever participated.
 
3rd: Jessica Mauboy - We Got Love (116pts)

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Having already served as Australia's audition piece for Eurovision 2014, local starlet Jess Mauboy finally got the nod for Lisbon in 2018. Any concerns about her reliability as a live singer following her ropey performance the first time around were swiftly justified every time the poor dear tried to honk her way through this one.

Look, it's obviously a very nice song, and the nods to her indigenous background made a lot of sense on paper, but this whole performance is just so frantic and ill conceived. If she'd slowed down and created something a bit warmer and more uplifting instead of flinging herself around like a desperate Drag Race contender on the verge of being told to Sashay away, they might have had something here.

Australia's only non top ten to date, although I feel compelled to point out that she did score seven more points than Isaiah from the public. It doesn't seem to have done her career much harm though, as her 2019 album Hilda - a concept record about aged Coronation Street regulars - topped the charts last year.

2 x 12 (Penelope, SDF)
1 x 0 (Raining on Me)
 
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For me, Australia haven't sent a really great song yet. Sound of Silence is competent but not very interesting, Zero Gravity is interesting but not very competent and Jessica Mauboy is Jessica Mauboy. Tonight Again wins by default.
 
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You could smell the desperation in Jessica's performance (or was that goose fat). It put me in mind of a very drunk girl dancing on her own in a nightclub towards the end of the evening, as the local reprobates debate which one of them is going to take a crack at her.
 
WAS the dancing a nod to indigenous heritage? We assumed it was at my party on the night, but didn’t know for sure and were worried we were being a little bit racist by assuming :D
 
2nd: Kate Miller-Heidke - Zero Gravity (134pts)

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God love this fabulous nonsense. This really was the moment Australia cemented their status as Moldova with a budget, right down to the obviously rigged national selection. :disco:

Kate was a likable lass who clearly enjoyed every minute of the experience without getting drenched in desperation. There were brief hopes she might go all the way, but ultimately the performance was probably a fair bit more memorable than the song and she wound up in a slightly underwhelming 9th place.

FUN FACT: Among her many other accomplishments, Kate wrote the music for Muriel's Wedding: The Musical, which looks absolutely dreadful and I am booking flights to Brisbane RIGHT NOW to watch every delicious second of it.

5 x 12 (Ag, David_5000, Suomi, Pingu, Jacques)
1 x 0 (Win the Game)

1st: Dami Im - Sound of Silence (204pts)

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Well, obviously.

Having allayed most of the doubters with their respectable first year result, Australia entered GAMEFACE mode for 2016 with this Sia-esque power ballad from Pop Idol winner Dami Im. On record it's not really all that, but of course the live performance is where it's at.

Despite her dainty proportions, Dami tore a new arsehole out of this on the Stockholm stage with her frankly ridiculous vocal power. I was watching it with the same Australian queens who were pulling focus from me in the Isaiah clip, and let me tell you the homosexual tears were in full flow by the end. Give or take the Russian behemoth, victory should have been assured. Sadly, Europe made... another choice. :side-eye:

Still, this is right up there with the all-time great Eurovision runners up, and proved that Australia absolutely do have it in them to win this thing. Maybe next year, as Dami recently announced that she's BACK BACK BACK. Carpenters cover album enthusiasts loss is very much our gain...

13 x 12 (VoR, Buttertart, Superstylin', Ill Advised, sewerynsven, Alla, Kevin, Raining on Me, Kevin7, wurst, Dark Carnival, Kalabaliken)
2 x 2 (David_5000, Pingu)
 
wurst said:
WAS the dancing a nod to indigenous heritage? We assumed it was at my party on the night, but didn’t know for sure and were worried we were being a little bit racist by assuming :D
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Pretty sure that was the party line, yes.

Poor Jess had a rough old time in Lisbon by all accounts. She left at least one of the press conferences in floods of tears after the rehearsals went down like a lead balloon. Gays are so mean. :(
 
I can see Australia potentially not even qualifying this year.
 
I mean obviously Dami was going to win this, as a vocal performance it was a real moment. But, I really do go back to We Got Love more. The performance on stage didn't work, it was way too dark. Her vocal was shaky in parts but she absolutely sung it a hell of a lot better than she sung Sea of Flags. :eyes:
 
SDF said:
I mean obviously Dami was going to win this, as a vocal performance it was a real moment. But, I really do go back to We Got Love more. The performance on stage didn't work, it was way too dark. Her vocal was shaky in parts but she absolutely sung it a hell of a lot better than she sung Sea of Flags. :eyes:
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Hun, you’ll find out it being too dark on stage actually worked in her favour :eyes:
 
Aww, I really hoped Kate would give Dami more of a run for her money.

I hope Dami gives us a "Super Love" next year rather than another ballad.
 
Yes, some ranking may vary if you rate live performance or studio version, which explains some voting. Australia results were probably the most predictable so far.
 
OK I doubt we'll get through both tonight but let's do Cyprus and save Lithuania for the big finish. :side-eye: (Although actually, having their results revealed to an audience of nobody at 3am in the morning is KINDA what they deserve...)

9th: Giannis Karagiannis - One Thing I Should Have Done (29pts)

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Bless, I don't actually hate this. But then, I don't really hate any of the Cypriot entries from this decade. Most of them are at the very worst 'quite nice' even if only a couple truly rise above that standard.

Cyprus took a year off in 2014 after being hit hard by recession. It took them about 4 months to finally settle on this as an entry, after a national selection format that would even have had Lithuania impatiently tapping at their watches.

It's pleasant in a Tom Dice-y sort of way and easily took them back to the finals, although being shoved in a block between Måns Zelmerlöw, Guy Sebastian and Loic Nottet really doomed it to 'We can put the kettle on during this one' territory and it wound up in 22nd place, with even the Greeks snubbing it with a mere 10 points as opposed to the usual 12.

I enjoy how apologetically the full colour shuffles in after the Charlotte Perrelli-esque greyscale intro. There are moments when I do fear that this song is dedicated to a woman who rubs the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again, but on the whole this merits a respectable if forgettable passing grade.

1 x 6 (Kevin)
8 x 0 (Suomi, Superstylin', Raining on Me, dmlaw, Pingu, wurst, David_5000, Dark Carnival)

 
8th: Christos Mylordos - San Aggelos S'Agapisa (53pts)

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Oh Moopy, you do disappoint me... This is SPECTACULAR nonsense that definitely deserved more voter love. Did you all just turn off before the mad cow with the Ikea lamp wraps her ratty weave around her hand and starts screaming blue murder?

Completely unvotable of course, but the density of bizarre decision making here is on a par with some of Macedonia's more questionable efforts. I like to think the whole thing's a sort of immersive theatre piece about a lonely Cypriot office worker finding sexual fulfilment with a deranged S&M queen.

If we can't have Eleni every year then more of this please Cyprus!

1 x 10 (Sewerynsven)
7 x 0 (Ill Advised, Jacques, SDF, Alla, Kevin, Kevin7, Kalabaliken)
 
VoR said:
8th: Christos Mylordos - San Aggelos S'Agapisa (53pts)

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Oh Moopy, you do disappoint me... This is SPECTACULAR nonsense that definitely deserved more voter love. Did you all just turn off before the mad cow with the Ikea lamp wraps her ratty weave around her hand and starts screaming blue murder?

Completely unvotable of course, but the density of bizarre decision making here is on a par with some of Macedonia's more questionable efforts. I like to think the whole thing's a sort of immersive theatre piece about a lonely Cypriot office worker finding sexual fulfilment with a deranged S&M queen.

If we can't have Eleni every year then more of this please Cyprus!

1 x 10 (Sewerynsven)
7 x 0 (Ill Advised, Jacques, SDF, Alla, Kevin, Kevin7, Kalabaliken)
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OMG I love this!! An OUTRAGE for it to finish second-last :angry:
 
Giannis Karagiannis looks MUCH THE SAME as he did in 2015. I quite like One Thing I Should Have Done as that sort of thing goes, but it's another one that's the source of a MUCH REGRETTED SINCE bet (albeit on whether it would come top ten)

 
San aggelos s'agapisa was a JOYOUSLY BATSHIT discovery this round :disco: Christos apparently still has a sinister "would totally murder you in a chemsex hookup gone wrong" EDGE to his visage and all

 
7th: John Lilygreen & The Islanders - Life Will Be Better In Spring (66pts)

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a.k.a. the entry that ruined Anna Bergendahl's life, in the sense that John & pals qualified ahead of her by a mere five point margin.

Probably the most interesting thing you can say about this, really. That and the fact that he was quite randomly Welsh, although the backing band were mostly Cypriot so at least there's that. He went on to do X Factor UK and even scored a #66 smash in 2012 as part of Lilygreen & Maguire, which kind of sounds like the title of a short-lived ITV detective series starring one or both of Martin Clunes and Sarah Lancashire.

2 x 8 (Buttertart, dmlaw)
2 x 0 (VoR, Win The Game)
 
Now Jon Lilygreen is one that distinctly HAS improved with age - albeit in a more heterosexual BLATANT CRAFT ALE FAN way than you'd hope, but it'll DO



As it goes, his chorus isn't THAT BAD either. Obviously the poor love didn't stand a chance in competition with Tom Dice (:gross:) though
 
Penelope said:
Now Jon Lilygreen is one that distinctly HAS improved with age - albeit in a more heterosexual BLATANT CRAFT ALE FAN way than you'd hope, but it'll DO



As it goes, his chorus isn't THAT BAD either. Obviously the poor love didn't stand a chance in competition with Tom Dice (:gross:) though
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Oh HELLO MUSTACHE :horny:
 
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