GREAT JOKES! (or terrible jokes, depending on your POV)
- Thread starter Nancy
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octophone
Cows!
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octophone
Cows!
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A
Alla
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Nancy! 
jyxz
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A
AGinAg (37)
Guest
For arborists and mean queens the world over.
I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady.
Suomi
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A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail looks up and shouts:
“What the HELL was that all about?
”
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail looks up and shouts:
“What the HELL was that all about?
”
omg I was there too.
Suomi
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Let’s talk about
[context for others: the support act did this schtick for about 15 minutes]
octophone
Cows!
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A man is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail looks up and shouts:
“What the HELL was that all about?
It's a TRIPLE BASIL!
I'll always remember when I was young and going to a bicycle shop with my Mum. She asked the sales assistant, "Do you have saddle bags?"
His reply? "No, it's just the way I walk"
ButterTart
Like Mussolini or Kennedy
What do you do with a wombat?
Play wom.
Play wom.
ButterTart
Like Mussolini or Kennedy
The polar bear was driving along when his car started to make a funny noise.
He managed to get it to a nearby garage before it broke down. The mechanic said he’d take a look at it, and for the Polar Bear to come back in an hour.
Well, this garage was in a pretty remote bit of the Arctic, so the Polar Bear was at a bit of a loose end. He took a walk and eventually found an ice cream parlour, so he decided to treat himself to a couple of scoops of vanilla
Of course, being a polar bear and all, it was a bit of a bugger to eat ice cream and he ended up making a right mess. An hour had passed by now and he didn’t have time to clean himself off, so he hurried back to the garage with ice cream all around his mouth.
The mechanic emerged from under the bonnet of his car, tutted, and said ‘it looks like you’ve blown a seal’.
‘No’ said the polar bear defensively ‘It’s just ice cream’.
He managed to get it to a nearby garage before it broke down. The mechanic said he’d take a look at it, and for the Polar Bear to come back in an hour.
Well, this garage was in a pretty remote bit of the Arctic, so the Polar Bear was at a bit of a loose end. He took a walk and eventually found an ice cream parlour, so he decided to treat himself to a couple of scoops of vanilla
Of course, being a polar bear and all, it was a bit of a bugger to eat ice cream and he ended up making a right mess. An hour had passed by now and he didn’t have time to clean himself off, so he hurried back to the garage with ice cream all around his mouth.
The mechanic emerged from under the bonnet of his car, tutted, and said ‘it looks like you’ve blown a seal’.
‘No’ said the polar bear defensively ‘It’s just ice cream’.
ZenGiraffe
Panini S.p.a.
Two nuns are having a bath.
One asks "Where's the soap?"
The other replies "It does rather".
One asks "Where's the soap?"
The other replies "It does rather".
Inner Smile
Honest and real
ZenGiraffe
Panini S.p.a.
Ask @COBHelp
Inner Smile
Honest and real
Tempted to google but as you all know I have great self control
Inner Smile
Honest and real
That reminds me!
Banger
Banger
Inner Smile
Honest and real
Infernal version weren't bad either 
octophone
Cows!
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floppet
Spider murderer
Two tramps under a railway bridge:
Tramp 1: I'm sodding starving
Tramp 2: There's a dead dog over there, bit maggotty but better than starving to death
Tramp 1: I'm not eating cold, maggotty dead dog! Disgusting!
Tramp 2: Starts chowing down on dead dog then vomits it all up again
Tramp 1: Runs over to vomit, scoops it up in his hands and starts eating it
Tramp 2: WTF are you doing?! You won't eat dead dog but you'll eat vomit?! What is wrong with you?!
Tramp 1: I said I didn't like COLD dead dog, this is warm
Tramp 1: I'm sodding starving
Tramp 2: There's a dead dog over there, bit maggotty but better than starving to death
Tramp 1: I'm not eating cold, maggotty dead dog! Disgusting!
Tramp 2: Starts chowing down on dead dog then vomits it all up again
Tramp 1: Runs over to vomit, scoops it up in his hands and starts eating it
Tramp 2: WTF are you doing?! You won't eat dead dog but you'll eat vomit?! What is wrong with you?!
Tramp 1: I said I didn't like COLD dead dog, this is warm
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter who declares “Sisters, welcome to Heaven! In a moment I will let you all through the Pearly Gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”
St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds “Well… there was this one time… that I sort of touched one with the tip of my finger…” St. Peter says “OK Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” and the Sister responded “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”. St Peter responded "OK Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she did so.
Now at this point, there is a noise and a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to push to the front of the queue. St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!”
St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds “Well… there was this one time… that I sort of touched one with the tip of my finger…” St. Peter says “OK Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” and the Sister responded “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”. St Peter responded "OK Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she did so.
Now at this point, there is a noise and a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to push to the front of the queue. St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!”