1,001 ways the Olympics should be improved for LA 2028

[Finn]

176. Dressage, but without the horse. Just people walking and jogging precisely.

Is this basically not the women's floor you hate so much?

 

[Madison]

Is this basically not the women's floor you hate so much?

It’s completely different. No acrobatics, sexualised elements or frilly hand flicks. The outfits are also the same as current dressage.

 

[octophone]

178. Dressage, in which newspaper columnists in their 50s have to dress appropriately for their age. Whoever survives the ensuing barney wins.

 

[octophone]

179.

Play Your Cards RIght.

 

[Madison]

180. All athletes compete on an anonymised basis, with the results announced during an eight hour closing ceremony.

 

[Finn]

181. All relay teams to consist of pop groups only

 

[octophone]

182.

Celebrity Swears

"...and that was Dame Mary Berry for Great Britain, absolutely sensational performance there with a hearty and full throated "cunt"..."

 

[Finn]

181. All relay teams to consist of pop groups only

Jo O'Meara WITHDRAWS from mixed relay due to existing back issues, and the presence of Indians

 

[octophone]

181. All relay teams to consist of pop groups only

"Disaster for Britain as Bennett refuses to hand the baton to Redknapp!!!"

 

[octophone]

183.

400m skanking

 

[Madison]

184. Introduce a no child rapists rule.

 

[Madison]

185. Might as well have a no rapists rule too.

 

[dmlaw]

180. All athletes compete on an anonymised basis, with the results announced during an eight hour closing ceremony.

Now is that really a good idea. What if the Italians ever host? We wouldn’t be finished by the next Olympics.

 

[Madison]

186. Italy banned from hosting.

 

[octophone]

185. Might as well have a no rapists rule too.

Quite right, it shouldn't just be children who are excluded from competing due to their crimes.

 

[ButterTart]

187. Synchronised A Place in the Sun - each country fields an estate agent, and medals are awarded based on how close they manage to get to finding a four bed townhouse in Torrevieja a minute from the beach with solarium and two bathrooms for Barry and Denise from Solihull, who have a top-end budget of £23,000.

 

[ZenGiraffe]

188. Make THE GAYS™ an actual team

 

[Kratz]

187. Synchronised A Place in the Sun - each country fields an estate agent, and medals are awarded based on how close they manage to get to finding a four bed townhouse in Torrevieja a minute from the beach with solarium and two bathrooms for Barry and Denise from Solihull, who have a top-end budget of £23,000.

Bonus points if Denise admits basket-weaving is something she could ‘see herself getting into’ if she moved there.

 

[ZenGiraffe]

189. LESS SQUEAKY SHOES

 

[ZenGiraffe]

190. Instead of medals, award countries 12 points for winning, 10 for second, and 8 to 1 points for the subsequent countries.

A 12 person podium with appropriate heights should be used.

 

[Joseph]

191. Frisbee toss using the past year’s Record Store Day selections

 

[ButterTart]

192. Easily astonished commentators from Lancashire. Insightful commentary on the women’s shotput replaced by ‘Christ alive, she’s a big piece’.

 

[ButterTart]

193. Life footage of the athletes in the Form Decor lounge prior to each medal ceremony.

 

[Marina Salty]

194. Bellydancing marathon

 

[AGinAg (37)]

195. Fingering

 

[octophone]

196.

400m Manc Walk

 

[ButterTart]

197. Instead of medal tallies, the leader board is arranged by Britishness.

 

[ZenGiraffe]

198. Storming government buildings to be a new sport, judged by that hot shaman

 

[win_the_game]

199. All performances of 'Imagine' to be banned from the Opening and Closing ceremonies.

 

[ButterTart]

199. All performances of 'Imagine' to be banned from the Opening and Closing ceremonies.

200. All performances of ‘Imagine’ to be banned from everywhere, forever.

 

[Joseph]

201. Boy Bands featuring all female singers

 

[jyxz]

201. Boy Bands featuring all female singers

By X Factor rejects Girlband

 

[ZenGiraffe]

202. The olympic ring reveal in the opening and/or closing ceremony to be 5 clapped out weho twinks and their puckered arseholes

 

[Tisch]

203. Lady Gaga to actually sing some of her hits like Shallow or Hold My Hand at the opening ceremony

 

[ZenGiraffe]

204. The eliminated athletes to get drunk at Mickey's and spill the tea

 

[dmlaw]

205. France not to be allowed to hold any more ceremonies.

 

[Shoat]

206. Anyone caught trying to deliver a speech at the Opening Ceremony to be used as a clay pigeon

 

[Indie]

207. More ceremonies. Opening, closing, weekend, half way through, rain ceremony, and very definitely a full three hour ceremony any time Snoop Dogg shows up.

 

[Joseph]

208. Whoopi Goldberg movie marathons during the triathlon

 

[Marina Salty]

203. Lady Gaga to actually sing some of her hits like Shallow or Hold My Hand at the opening ceremony

209. Lady Gaga to sing Judas on an actual avant-garde reenactment of the Last Supper