During her
Janet World Tour, Jackson experienced an
emotional breakdown, stemming from self-hatred,
childhood humiliation,
self-harm, and distorted body image.
[10] She stated, "I was very, very sad. Very down. I couldn't get up sometimes. There were times when I felt very hopeless and helpless, and I felt like walls were kind of closing in on me...like you can't escape".
[11][12] She questioned her career path, feeling pressured by the demands of the entertainment industry, saying, "People look at you differently, as if you're not human."
[13] Abbie Kearse of
MTV responded, "You're creating a person who might not really be you, but you've created this fantasy woman, so when it's time to get back to business, it's like 'I've got to go back to that world'".
[9] Jackson expressed concern for how she could portray an object of fantasy, feeling as if she could no longer fulfill her own desires.
[14]
In self-analysis, Jackson uncovered vital details regarding her past, saying, "Certain things may happen, and you just dismiss them instead of stopping and saying, "Why am I feeling this way? Why am I acting out in this way?"
[9] She had suppressed various traumas throughout her adolescence and early adulthood, using
evasion tactics to prevent thoughts from surfacing.
[9] She also recalled feeling unaccepted and ostracized for her skin color.
[15] She was persistently haunted by a memory of a school teacher intensely scolding her, causing her classmates to erupt in laughter.
[16] "Oh, God, it sounds so stupid. But being a kid you're just so frightened... I never talked about it, so it stayed with me all those years. I felt not deserving, not good enough... that's still the way I feel about myself sometimes", she declared.
[9][16] As a child, she managed discomfort by speaking to her animals, later turning to overeating as an
anesthetic, causing fluctuations in weight.
[16] Jackson said, "I began to realize that whenever something really painful was going on, I would eat, and that's how I would run away from it. But I would just be creating another problem in another area instead of just dealing with that pain".
[9]
Jackson developed
body dysmorphia as a response to ridicule, stating, "I'd look in the mirror and hate myself. I'd sit and cry. It was so hard for me to look at myself and find something that I liked. Not just physically, but something that was good in me".
[18] She also inflicted self-harm, banging her head against the wall when feeling unattractive.
[19] She traced her fragility to her abusive marriage to recording artist
James DeBarge when she was 16 years old.
[9] Jackson recalled, "It all has to do with very low self esteem. Especially going into a relationship like that very young... someone telling you things like, 'no one is ever going to want you again, you should be happy here with me.'"
[15] Attempting to alter his behavior and
drug addiction, she explained, "I learned the hard way that you can't change a person."
[20] Recalling her divorce, she revealed, "There came a point when I finally said, 'You know what? I just don't care what happens.' I had to do what I wanted to but had been too afraid to. And at that point I didn't care if I got my brains beat out. I just went ahead and did it. And I got my ass kicked for it. But I'm happy that I did it, or I don't think I would be here today".
[9]
Her self-hatred accelerated into raging cycles of
bulimia and
anorexia, repressing the issue until questioned.
[18] Jackson said, "people say to me: `Okay, you've got to start eating more. You're too thin.' But when you look in the mirror, you see something totally different."
[18] She continued, "I had swung so far in one direction, I never thought I could swing so far in the other. You're losing weight and getting smaller, and I'd still say to myself I could afford to lose a little more".
[18] However, she refused professional guidance, reluctant to examination.
[18] She briefly saw a
psychologist before an encounter with a spiritual guru, who aided her emotional recovery. Jackson recounted, "we went to this very spiritual place in the desert... That's where I met him, this cowboy. He's in his fifties, and he's full of wisdom. He's an older man who has experienced a great deal, and he used to be in the music industry, on a smaller scale. He even understood that side of my life".
[10][13][21] She also began using coffee
enemas to remove "sad cells", leading to media scrutiny.
[16][22] The trauma lead to a brief duration of
sexual questioning, saying "Am I curious? I think every girl has wondered".
[18] Jackson culminated the experiences into the album's subject matter, recording over two years.
[10]