Apologies

Onscreen or otherwise...

  • I'll apologise freely, even if I don't think I'm in the wrong

    Votes: 6 24.0%

  • I'll apologise, but only if I'm certain I'm in the wrong

    Votes: 18 72.0%

  • I hate to apologise and will avoid it if I can

    Votes: 1 4.0%

  • I'm an unapologetic bitch

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Total voters
    25
VoR

VoR

Take it or leave it
Joined
Feb 3, 2004
Messages
135,262
Location
The Cinema
I'm interested to know what Moopy's attitude is to apologising in day to day conflict situations is.

I'm very non-confrontational by nature, so when challenged on something I'll generally apologise even if I'm fairly certain I'm not in the wrong, if I think it'll defuse a situation.

I don't necessarily think that's healthy, but I'm fascinated by adults who are on the other end of the spectrum. For example I have a friend who behaved really badly to a couple of other friends the other night. He was drunk, said some really hurtful things and generally behaved inappropriately. I approached him on his own a few days later and, quietly and as non-judgementally as I could, suggested that he'd crossed the line and if I were him I'd apologise to the other friends. He got very defensive and doubled down on the fact that he didn't mean anything by it and refused to even consider saying sorry, despite the fact that it's indisputably obvious to everyone else that he was in the wrong. It wasn't like it even came from some difference of opinion or anything, he was just behaving awfully.

So, in your life, on occasions when you're challenged on your behaviour, fairly or otherwise, how easy do you find it to back down and apologise?
 
I actually wish I were challenged more often than I am. I much prefer that to the Say Nothing Backstab Her Behind The Back routine. Apparently I can be a bit sharp and hostile with people I don’t know which can be a bit problematic and off-putting - I know, imagine! - but people have only mentioned certain instances about three years after the event, if that. NOT VERY HELPFUL!

On the backing down and apologising front, I’m absolutely ready to do so if my behaviour could have done with improvement and I’m in the wrong. I can easily fall into a knee jerk “Well, it wouldn’t have happened were it not for X, Y or Z” trap, but I do try to avoid that and take responsibility for my own behaviour and, well, choices :side-eye:
 
I’m like vor, I try to avoid conflicts, and always try to justify other people’s behaviour and in the end apologise even when I know I’m wasn’t wrong.
 
I only tend to argue when I'm absolutely certain the other person is in the wrong and isn't listening to reason. I don't enjoy conflict AT ALL, but if I'm aggrieved enough to have a kick off, there's absolutely no way I will back down. I don't think I've ever apologised after an argument, because I get so stubborn and bratty I bluntly refuse to believe I've done anything wrong.
 
I think the danger of over-apologising is that if you don't really mean it, resentments can build up. I've definitely caught myself apologising for something on impulse and then wandering around for days thinking "WELL ACTUALLY..."

But nine times out of ten if it's just a small thing it makes life so much easier to let things go. And when I know I've been in the wrong I'd rather own it and try to make amends than waste energy justifying something I know in my heart to be unjustifiable.
 
I do find that people tend to regard me as the one to take responsibility for things on a work front and thus dump it in my direction even if it isn’t mine to take. This is probably because I always immediately fess up if I’ve fucked up, and don’t deflect. (It’s probably also because I like to do a good job.) So I have to keep a sharp (obv) eye on what I’m holding and assess what’s actually going on to make sure that I’m not holding things that aren’t even my responsibility
 
I would normally freely apologise to keep the peace but in my current predicament I am refusing to, as I don’t think I’m in the wrong.

It’s not going well, as I feel like we are now at a stalemate. But you know what, fuck the lot of them. :evil:

*dies alone*
 
FJAEMudgcficiBKUdOIAWGljVqVGvisi6fkafsUOopE.jpg
 
I’ll apologise to claimants at work, but I always do it on behalf of the department. I used to work for a company that pushed us to say ‘sorry’ to customers at every opportunity, even if we knew they were at fault. To me, that’s just an admission of failure.
 
David_5000 said:
I don't see apologising as a sign of weakness; sometimes I feel it's just the best way of moving a situation forward even if I don't feel like I'm responsible.
Click to expand...

I agree with this. It all comes down to picking your battles. Sometimes, being stubborn about not apologizing is just not worth the fight. Like, what are you really gonna get out of it? What would you really prove in the end? Especially when there are things to get done.

Assuming the responsibility takes far more maturity and wisdom. Which is ironic, because those who refuse to apologize think they're showing 'strength'.
 
I would never apologise just to keep the peace if I wasn't in the wrong but I will say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that if I think it'll put an end to it. I'll happily apologise if I am in the wrong though and if somebody apologises to me, and means it, I thank them, especially if I think it took a lot for them to do it.

I went off on my sister at my mum's about six weeks ago, she wholly deserved it, but during the ensuing row (discussion from me, histrionics from her) I realised that she wasn't coping at all well with the whole "dad" situation so I started apologising, at least six times, but she continued to act like a toddler having a tantrum and she wasn't in the right frame of mind to actually listen to what I was saying. I left her to it and waited until she came back inside (she slammed out of the house and drove around the block then came back) and then tried to talk to her again but she was still in tantrum mode (told me to f*ck off as she stomped up the stairs) so I apologised to mum and made a graceful exit. If the situation had been reversed I'd have rang her the next night and got together for a chat to sort things out but she didn't ring so I thought I'd leave her for a couple of days, knowing I'd see her later in the week. The next time I saw her was at the hospital, my mum and brother were sat in the reception area and she was stood next to mum so, as always, I walked over and hugged and kissed mum, next was my brother as he was next closest and as I went towards her with outstretched arms she turned her back on me and walked off up the corridor. We haven't spoken again since. She's got a very high up job and is used to being the one doing the telling off and I'm not going to pander to whatever's going on in her deluded mind by trying to apologise again when it's clear she won't accept it, she's a grown woman.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Zu
Liking “I’m sorry you feel that way” :D:disco:

One of my favourite and apparently highly unnerving routines is to say, “Apology accepted” rather than “It’s fine.” People really don’t like it and go a bit quiet but most of the time it’s not AT ALL fine, so why should I say that it is?
 
  • Like
Reactions: KNT
Also, “Have you got a spare fag?” just gets NO these days rather than SORRY. I also managed to summon the nerve to say to someone that, “The whole point of hostels is that they’re free” the other week in response to “I’m trying to get a hostel - have you got £1?” Honestly I’d gladly give someone a fiver for crack if they said it was for crack but don’t lie to me! I then got, “Not since the Tories got in...” :rolleyes:
 
I’ve been on secondment in my role at work for nearly 5 years and for the first time the role has been opened up to go permanent (and to finally get on the proper pay scale) and I interviewed for it last week. I ended up being interviewed by my former manager and another senior manager, both of whom I also consider personal friends, but they’re restricted to a certain format and putting on their poker faces and can’t just give me the job based on their opinions as it’s all based on the interview.

I don’t know how it went but at the end suspected I’d ballsed it up and ended up sincerely apologising to THEM for not saying what I wanted to say :vomit:
 
Zu-Klara said:
Also, “Have you got a spare fag?” just gets NO these days rather than SORRY. I also managed to summon the nerve to say to someone that, “The whole point of hostels is that they’re free” the other week in response to “I’m trying to get a hostel - have you got £1?” Honestly I’d gladly give someone a fiver for crack if they said it was for crack but don’t lie to me! I then got, “Not since the Tories got in...” :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Some crackhead bitch asked me for a £1 for a phone call when I was out on the town. I was drunk (obvs) and pointed out THAT NO ONE USES PUBLIC PHONES JUST SAY ITS FOR DRUGS. Which got me a mouthful of abuse as she waved her Nokia at me.
 
I'm quite confrontational by nature but if I cross the line I usually apologise. I'm a really emotional person so I'm always trying to keep check of my emotions and judge whether or not I've gone too far. and so in the way I'm rational and can say sorry if I know I was wrong or I know I was kinda right but saying sorry will diffuse the situation anyway (although in that situation I would probably expect the other person to acknowledge the same, which is maybe the wrong motive for apologising in the first place...). I don't say it if I really don't mean it.
 
I will apologise if I've done something wrong. I will not apologise to people who take the worst possible interpretation of every thing in order to create a bit of drama and get some attention because they have fuck else in their lives.
 
I don't apologise to people TRYING IT ON FOR FREEBIES. Why the fuck should I? They're lucky these days if I'm CIVIL. Especially since that incident when I used to live down by the canal and I got a LECTURE about "WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CHARITY" because my RESPONSE wasn't suitably POLITE after having been asked for a CIGGY or 25p EVERY FUCKING DAY for MONTHS ON END. FUCK RIGHT OFF
 
  • Like
Reactions: Zu
Star said:
'I'm sorry you feel that way' when I know I'm right :D
Click to expand...

Oh, same here. It's basically "I'm sorry that you have to live with that awful attitude and personality" dressed up a little bit and it always lands like a sack of onions.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Zu
I remember not so long ago some TRAMP coming up to me when I was happily talking on the phone whilst smoking a cigarette. She started waving in my face after I ignored her shouting “How fucking RUDE are you? I’m trying to talk to you”. I told her if she doesn’t fuck off out of my personal space I will personally make sure she can not wave her arm at anyone again. Clearly not the response she was expecting from me as she scuttled off calling me a crazy bitch.
 
Let's face it - apologies mean shag all. We accept them when we want to, regardless of how heartfelt they might be. I'm quite easily hurt but I also heal from minor emotional bruising very quickly - it takes a really deep cut to actually wound me. So if someone's been a complete knob to me, I'm usually over it before any apology is forthcoming. I'm more interested in where it's coming from -if someone has been under a lot of pressure and I just happen to be within the blast radius when it all comes out, so be it; I will not take an overflow of genuine stress and anxiety out on someone. But if we're talking a professional cunt, believe me, it will be stored and used when the moment arrives. Happily, the latter category is rare.
 
I suppose something has to be said for EXPECTING apologies. I swear some people think they deserve an apology for fucking everything.

Last week, an Uber Eats driver got mad at me because I texted her "Please read the delivery instructions" when she had texted me that she was "Here". When I answered the door, she confronted me about the fact that she KNEW about the instructions and that I, HEAVEN FORBID, had not known that. Thank fuck I was stoned. I just said "Uh huh" and continued to stare at her until she pissed off.

I swear some people will feel violated from every single thing.
 
Zu-Klara said:
One of my favourite and apparently highly unnerving routines is to say, “Apology accepted” rather than “It’s fine.” People really don’t like it and go a bit quiet but most of the time it’s not AT ALL fine, so why should I say that it is?
Click to expand...
Oh wow I'm going to try this one.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Zu
A homeless woman asked me for spare change just the other week, and I said "None on me, sorry" and she went SORRYS DON'T HELP.

:D!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Zu
Guys, this was really more a question of how you navigate conflicts with friends & family, not the manner in which you tell homeless people and underpaid service workers to FUCK OFF :D
 
Also, negotiating incidents of being asked for money does relate to our approach to apologising. When we say SORRY NO CASH ON ME, are we really sorry? Or are we saying sorry because they might have a large spanner in their handbag and turn nasty if we don’t? And why are we apologising for something that isn’t really our responsibility? Or is it?

I think you’ll all agree that these are questions which almost probably require serious discussion :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Users who are viewing this thread

Total: 1 (members: 0, guests: 1)
Back
Top Bottom