ASFM: Forgotten Hits 2.0

I’ve just noticed that my planned entry for the next themeless ASFM would technically be eligible for this. I was planning to vehemently argue that no one had ever heard of it if challenged, so I’d better leave it for a bit.
 
Diddy said:
Don’t ask what the N stands for
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HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid said:
Would you just explain why this is funny? I’m sure that it is but I might need some help from you. I probably don’t get the joke.
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not sure why this clarification is getting ignored. If the joke is what I think it is that’s a really shitty thing to say, but even worse for everyone else to just ignore.
 
HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid said:
Would you just explain why this is funny? I’m sure that it is but I might need some help from you. I probably don’t get the joke.
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Suomi said:
not sure why this clarification is getting ignored. If the joke is what I think it is that’s a really shitty thing to say, but even worse for everyone else to just ignore.
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Ok I’m not sure what I am supposed to have insinuated, honestly - I made a typically stupid innuendo following on from a joke that had been made. I definitely didn’t want to use THAT word at ANY time, I certainly didn’t want anyone taking it as me condoning the use of it either, the joke was how awful it would have been.

I’m honestly sorry to @RJN for posting it at all, and to you and anyone else who thought I was trying to insult anyone else with that word. I hope that’s clear
 
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I ignored all of the dodgy chat in this topic, as I try my best not to get into shit on here anymore. I think that topic about the missing woman is really unpleasant too, but again it's easier to ignore than confront. That's just the legacy of my past behaviours.
 
Which word are you talking about?? Now I regret saying anything, I just hope you're all joking and I just don't get it (no shock there).
 
Diddy said:
Ok I’m not sure what i am suppose to have insinuated, honestly - I made a typically stupid innuendo following on from a joke that had been made. I definitely didn’t want to use THAT word at ANY time, I certainly didn’t want anyone taking it as me condoning the use of it either, the joke was how awful it would have been.

I’m honestly sorry to @RJN for posting at all, and to you and anyone else who thought I was trying to insult anyone else with that word. I hope that’s clear
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OK thank you for this, that’s a very thoughtful reflection. It’s obvious to me that you weren’t trying to insult anybody and that would never be your intent.

What I would say is that the impact of that very loaded word (even if it wasn’t written in full but is definitely ‘there’ to be read) can be confronting for some people at any time but especially at 0630 it’s not the best start to the day. For people like me
who don’t really have the privilege of escaping the impact of that word, it’s not a great experience, so when you see people mining it for humour and liking posts/jokes about it, it’s disappointing.

So insinuation is the wrong way to look at this. It doesn’t go beyond the needless and perhaps careless use of that word.
 
Oh right I just got it.

(I didn't)
 
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OutSynk said:
What a ride Alla.
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What? I was told by DM what they're talking about so I decided to edit everything because I thought they were talking about another one, 10 times worse in this context. I was just trying to say Diddy is not like that.
 
Thanks Alla - but it's not really necessary. Hopefully because HSHAF doesn't think that (at least not now), but mainly it's not really the point if I'm that kind of person or not - I still posted something that upset/triggered/(I don't know which word to use, and don't want to put words in their mouth!) HSHAF and I am very sorry about it.

If everyone's alright, then it's 1am so I'll stop derailing RJN's thread
 
@Diddy your apology was the right thing and that’s over, but I can tell you I’m pretty angry with the lack of response from others including moderators. HerSerene’s question sat there getting ignored, and it took me to bring it up hours later for a response. Why are we not hearing from those posters who liked it and STILL carrying on posting and not removing their likes. @Soldi @ButterTart if it was me I would have reached out and said it was ill thought-out, or maybe you don’t think that?

ZenGiraffe said:
So. Anyone know some shite songs from the 80s I can use for this?
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When I got home I asked him if anyone had reached out to see if he was okay, but no. And I don’t think it’s great moderating to basically ignore what has happened and then try and move the thread on with a ‘So’, as if something really inconvenient has disrupted the thread. This is supposed to be a safe space?

It’s interesting how someone going on a date gets a flood of supportive responses, but stuff like this is ignored.
 
Suomi said:
When I got home I asked him if anyone had reached out to see if he was okay, but no. And I don’t think it’s great moderating to basically ignore what has happened and then try and move the thread on with a ‘So’, as if something really inconvenient has disrupted the thread. This is supposed to be a safe space?

It’s interesting how someone going on a date gets a flood of supportive responses, but stuff like this is ignored.
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My intention wasn't to diminish the incident, but I thought that it had reached a resolution, as an apology had been made and accepted, and it was appropriate to get the thread back on track. This may have been an error of judgement, and I apologise.

Also sorry that I nor anyone else reached out to you @HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid. One of us should have, and in future I'm sure us all will be more mindful of this.
 
I think we can all think of times when a joke that may not (or even sometimes may!) have been intended to hurt us as much as it did has been said and it left us feeling very alone for a moment. And I think a lot of us can also think of times when we liked or laughed along with a joke that did that to someone, then felt quite ashamed or awkward after when we found out how deeply it had cut.

I understand that there might be an impulse to do nothing in that moment when we're awkwardly realising something like that might have happened, but I hope anyone who's been involved in this - however big or small that was - takes a moment to think how they might have felt over the last couple of pages if they were in HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid's shoes, and remedies it in a way that means this community still feels like a warm home for one of its most delightful members. 💕
 
I also gave a "like" reaction that is still there (edit: the "wow" is taken off and firmly applied to myself), as did someone else I believe. I'm really grateful that HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid being able to give that responce, especially for saying they "don’t really have the privilege of escaping the impact of that word, it’s not a great experience" which is the point where I understood most unequivocally it is not acceptable to "join in" or let that word be an unspoken wordplay peice, which I clearly did. And yes, I left it in the air until I saw it answered as at that point it was becoming clear I didn't have the right to give any reaction (and the wow one is not an acceptable get out). And I'm not sure I would have said anything like this unless Suomi had said something and then notified 2 other posters and not me, so I didn't want to slip through the cracks with that and am genuinely sorry. I genuinely appreciate those responces and they won't be forgotten, I absolutely promise that.
 
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I've been asleep for the duration of this incident so can't really comment on what I personally could or couldn't have done.

Moderation is an intensely difficult job especially when we are expected to be the arbiters of decency over thousands of posts a week. Things can, will, and do go wrong, as we can all see. The important thing is to continue to learn, feed back and improve for next time. I'm sorry for HSHAF's experience here and we must all do better.
 
Penelope said:
And I think a lot of us can also think of times when we liked or laughed along with a joke that did that to someone, then felt quite ashamed or awkward after when we found out how deeply it had cut.
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I have to say I felt exactly that (ashamed) when reading HerSerene’s reaction. Not because I had liked the post in question nor found it funny, but because it’s the kind of clumsy mistake that I could have done myself without realizing that it could be interpreted in a hurtful way.
Sadly, I think many of us don’t yet fully comprehend the impact the word (or even the allusion to it) regardless of how it’s used has on others, and that’s something that at least I should work on/think of in the future.
 
Suomi said:
@Diddy your apology was the right thing and that’s over, but I can tell you I’m pretty angry with the lack of response from others including moderators. HerSerene’s question sat there getting ignored, and it took me to bring it up hours later for a response. Why are we not hearing from those posters who liked it and STILL carrying on posting and not removing their likes. @Soldi @ButterTart if it was me I would have reached out and said it was ill thought-out, or maybe you don’t think that?



When I got home I asked him if anyone had reached out to see if he was okay, but no. And I don’t think it’s great moderating to basically ignore what has happened and then try and move the thread on with a ‘So’, as if something really inconvenient has disrupted the thread. This is supposed to be a safe space?

It’s interesting how someone going on a date gets a flood of supportive responses, but stuff like this is ignored.
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I didn’t realise there was an issue, and it was never flagged as such. There was a comment made that didn’t seem to request or invite moderation.

I will be entirely honest and say that I thought the whole conversation up to that point was just light-hearted ribbing of RJN and didn’t see Diddy’s comment as anything else in the context, which is why I liked it. I certainly didn’t, and still don’t feel it would have been necessary for mods to step in and make an issue of something which had already been called out and which has since been resolved amicably.
 
ButterTart said:
I didn’t realise there was an issue, and it was never flagged as such. There was a comment made that didn’t seem to request or invite moderation.

I will be entirely honest and say that I thought the whole conversation up to that point was just light-hearted ribbing of RJN and didn’t see Diddy’s comment as anything else in the context, which is why I liked it. I certainly didn’t, and still don’t feel it would have been necessary for mods to step in and make an issue of something which had already been called out and which has since been resolved amicably.
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a poster asking for clarification of the n-word isn’t a mod issue? that you still don’t think anything should have been done means you can get in the bin too.
 
ZenGiraffe said:
My intention wasn't to diminish the incident, but I thought that it had reached a resolution, as an apology had been made and accepted, and it was appropriate to get the thread back on track. This may have been an error of judgement, and I apologise.

Also sorry that I nor anyone else reached out to you @HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid. One of us should have, and in future I'm sure us all will be more mindful of this.
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Thanks for your apology, and I understand your intention wasn’t to diminish, so apologies for calling you out over that, I was just upset.
 
ButterTart said:
I will be entirely honest and say that I thought the whole conversation up to that point was just light-hearted ribbing of RJN and didn’t see Diddy’s comment as anything else in the context, which is why I liked it. I certainly didn’t, and still don’t feel it would have been necessary for mods to step in and make an issue of something which had already been called out and which has since been resolved amicably.
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I will say that I think that this is more of a bottom-up thing, and an issue of different members misinterpreting/not necessarily understanding or realising the gravity and effect of that particular word being alluded to for a joke - and making amends on those lines now that it's clear - rather than one of whether the moderators should have stepped in immediately.

(I will also say that if you thought it had been resolved amicably, a very quick way of making things not amicable again when someone is clearly upset is to just respond by saying "I don't get what the issue was"! I really think you should probably think carefully about your next response, as obviously both HerSereneHighnessAnniFrid and Suomi are feeling quite upset and I don't think they appreciate being made to feel irrational for it any more so than you would if you were. xx)
 
Nobody used the n word did they? Sorry if it was used but I didn't see anything. I saw a jokey reference to what the N might stand for in RJN's name, assumed they were referring to Nazi, and moved on. It worked in the context of the joke. THat's why I never commented on it.

I also think anyone who has been on this site since near the start would not have survived this long if they were capable of genuinely racist rhetoric, I don't want to be blasé about this, but diddy is not that person.

I'm really sorry if people are upset by it though, and I'm not belitting that, because I can't know what that's like.
 
Can we maybe institute some kind of mod practice where any race thing (and it can be applied to other contexts before people get their knickers in a twist) requires a mod who sees it to check in with whether it’s ok or not. It’s fine to not get everything right, but the thing we’ve talked about before is that it’s not right that Ms Frid has to do the labour that will never be seen beneath the surface, of absorbing the comment, dealing with it, trying not to be too upset by it, so she can come online and (calmly) tell us the effect it has on her?

That’s not a demand for perfection as much as a request for a little more active engagement on such issues - no fingers pointed at anyone.
 
funky said:
Nobody used the n word did they? Sorry if it was used but I didn't see anything. I saw a jokey reference to what the N might stand for in RJN's name, assumed they were referring to Nazi, and moved on. It worked in the context of the joke. THat's why I never commented on it.

I also think anyone who has been on this site since near the start would not have survived this long if they were capable of genuinely racist rhetoric, I don't want to be blasé about this, but diddy is not that person.

I'm really sorry if people are upset by it though, and I'm not belitting that, because I can't know what that's like.
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Let’s move beyond intention and focus on effect.
 
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