ButterTart's Christmas Horror Film Countdown

[ButterTart]

It's the ranking you never asked for and probably won't read beyond this sentence!

I've never done a ranking on here before, mainly because I don't watch Real Housewives and I can't name many Lady Gaga songs beyond that one about the Edge of Romance. Horror and Christmas are, however, very much in my wheelhouse and, as luck would have it, there's an abundance of films knocking about which marry these two themes into a single, generally underwhelming whole.

My criteria for a Christmas film is that at least part of the film must be set on or around Christmas, which means New Year and Thanksgiving horrors also make the cut (But only as many as were needed to make the list a nice, round number). Remember, my decision on what constitutes a Christmas horror is final and, if you disagree, I would invite you to make your own fucking list.

Helping me on my quest to determine the least shit Christmas horror is beloved festive icon Der Weihnachtstisch . According to legend, this mischievous, chinless little goblin visits Moopy posters each Christmas Eve, just as soon as the pubs shut. Good Moopists receive a copy of Enya's 'And Winter Came' in a padded stocking, while bad Moopists are dragged into the street and subjected to a frenzied knife attack in front of their screaming relatives. Der Weihnachtstisch will rate each film out of ten, and these scores will serve no other function than to give me the chance to use the peeping Tisch smiley a lot.

So, with that rambling load of shite out of the way, I'll whip out my bulging Yuletide sack and reveal our first few turkeys.

 

[COB]

OMG I hope Gremlins is #1

 

[ZenGiraffe]

OMG I hope Gremlins is #1

This is one of the few live action films made before the year 2000 that I actually enjoyed watching, so it has my support.

 

[ButterTart]

100. Let's Kill Grandpa (2017)


​

Nebbish office worker Carl (James Wirt) is coerced by his brother-in-law into repeatedly attempting to kill his wife's grandfather in order the bag a $2,000,000 inheritance.

Quite libellously stated across various websites to be a comedy, horror and thriller, this is actually none of those things. What it is, however, is an arcing jet of molten effluence that was apparently created for no other purpose than to make my doctor gravely concerned about my blood pressure. Every character in this is a detestable bellend, the incidental music is so atrocious you'll gladly press your ear against an orbital sander just to block it out, and the writer Brian Gianci remains unfaltering dedicated to his goal of not successfully landing a punchline throughout the entire runtime. This is a film that presents us with a humourless genderfluid receptionist and an evil Jew in the first few minutes and follows these sensitive portrayals up by introducing quite easily the most offensive mentally handicapped character I've ever seen committed to film. Despite all of this, it still manages to be insanely, debilitatingly BORING.

If anyone ever suggests that you watch this, stun them with a blunt object and immediately contact the police.

Best bit: None. This film has no redeeming features.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: None. Weihnachtstisch shits down its chimney and rides his flying iguana to the nearest Oddbins.

 

[ButterTart]

OMG I hope Gremlins is #1

I can confirm it's somewhere in the top 99...

 

[Frozen]

I am HERE for this countdown.

 

[vespertine]

I'll open the door and watch this.

 

[vespertine]

But the question is, are the ButterTart posts coming from inside my house?

 

[ButterTart]

99. Sick For Toys (2018)

​

After his friend Jason goes missing, Roy (David Gunning), who has the most boring face and hair I've ever seen on a non-Playmobil humanoid, investigates the disappearance and becomes involved with the mysterious and alluring Emilia (Camille Montgomery).

Let me begin by saying Emilia isn't in any way alluring. She's a shrieking imbecile who, despite being an adult, is so charmlessly naive and excitable that just brushing past her would qualify as child abuse.

This film is actually relatively well made and could be higher up the list than it is, but for its wildly offensive treatment of male rape. The 'toys' of the title are male kidnap victims offered up to Emilia by her older brother who *spoiler alert* wouldn't mind a go on her himself (Incest, severed penises and strangulation by Christmas lights are going to feature a LOT in this ranking, so assume the brace position). If you're going to feature rape in your film, it needs to be handled WELL and you need to actually bear in mind what a horrific, devastating ordeal it is.
What you MUSTN'T do is equate being raped with cheating and have your main character end the movie being dumped by his girlfriend and accused by the police of being the perpetrator, while the rapist is portrayed as a confused, misunderstood young innocent who just wanted to play with her toys. This film operates on a level of insensitivity somewhere akin to announcing Louise Woodward as the new face of Shake n' Vac and I sincerely hope everyone involved with it never works again.

Best bit: There's actually quite a cool time lapse sequence when Roy is drugged during his dinner with Emilia and her brother. There were some good ideas in here, buried deep under the obscene message that male rape victims should share the guilt with their abusers.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: None. He's having a quiet night tonight, bless him.

 

[ButterTart]

98. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)

​

Ricky Caldwell (Eric Freeman), the brother of Billy from the original film, talks to his psychiatrist about the events of the previous film before embarking on a dull killing spree.

I'll spend as much time on this as the filmmakers did, which is literally FUCK ALL give or take a nanosecond. This is mostly comprised of reused scenes from the first film with a couple of talky bits and the crap gun massacre as the only new footage used. Shit, lazy, cynical and genuinely not worth anyone's time.

Best bit: This film spawned the 'GARBAGE DAY' meme and the video above is honestly the only worthwhile part of this whole pointless exercise.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: And that's only because I'm paying him a daily rate and I needed to give him something to do.

 

[Tisch]

AMAZING THREAD. MANY OUT OF TEN!

 

[ButterTart]

But the question is, are the ButterTart posts coming from inside my house?

Yes. Or they would be, if @dUb would let me use the phone.

 

[jivafox]

I saw the first Silent Night, Deadly Night in a run down theatre in LA in xmas eve - never seen the sequel but doesn’t sound like I need to!

Very excited for the rest of this

 

[ButterTart]

I saw the first Silent Night, Deadly Night in a run down theatre in LA in xmas eve - never seen the sequel but doesn’t sound like I need to!

Very excited for the rest of this

The makers were given a tiny budget and just told to rush out a sequel. It really isn’t worth seeking out.

Hoping to do TEN more write ups tonight. We’ll still very much be in shite territory but should be in the ‘entertainingly shite’ portion by then.

 

[Lucille]

THIS IS VERY EXCITING!

 

[ButterTart]

I see a lot of references to hit film The Gremblings already in here. I feel like I need to make it number one or people will lose interest as soon as it’s been reviewed.

 

[Suomi]

Sorry I’m late - last night a goblin tried to drag me into the street and stab me, but I ended up killing him with a copy of an Enya album and fleeing back to safety.

 

[ButterTart]

Sorry I’m late - last night a goblin tried to drag me into the street and stab me, but I ended up killing him with a copy of an Enya album and fleeing back to safety.

How many times have I told AnniFrid to lay off the sloe gin?

 

[Zu]

Sorry I’m late - last night a goblin tried to drag me into the street and stab me, but I ended up killing him with a copy of an Enya album and fleeing back to safety.

WHAT A RELIEF

Was it AMARANTINE? One look at that awful cover has been known to instantly kill various fairy folk including elves and imps and, as seen here, goblins

 

[ButterTart]

97. Krampus Origins (2018)

​

During World War I, a grieving widow (Katie Peabody) receives a mysterious artefact from her dead R. BRAVEBOYS husband, which wreaks havoc and wobbly camerawork upon the orphanage she works at.

Of the 906 Krampus movies released daily in the wake of that one with Toni Collette and some other people who don’t matter, this is by far the worst. Its heart is definitely in the right place but, alas, its brains are up its arse. Least among its sins is the setting – an orphanage in Southern America during the first World War. Any attempt at festivity is dulled by the fact that it looks insanely hot outside, and by the dour nuns patrolling the hallways looking for things to tut at. The attention to period detail beings and ends at ‘stick a green hat on someone and call it a historical drama’ and the whole thing is so crashingly boring I was actually declared legally dead 30 minutes in.
The film does at least attempt to make good on its titular promise to provide an origin story for Krampus and his low-budget quest to eviscerate people for having minor personality defects.

Best bit: Krampus finally pops in for a bit in the last few minutes and he’s hilarious. He looks like the sort of character on Knightmare you’d take two steps left and run forwards in order to avoid. His voice needs to be heard to be believed and, like all ancient Germanic demons, he has a pronounced American accent. His crowning achievement is declaring he’s been sealed away in a book since ‘before the age of man’, which the keen bibliographers among you will know is a time where books were infamous for not having been invented yet.


Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

96. Elves (1989)

​

A teenager finds herself at the centre of a Nazi plot to impregnate a virgin with the seed of an elf in order to create a race of mindless super soldiers. I only wish I was making that up.

This might be a controversial one, as there are a lot of people who rank this among their favourite Christmas horrors ever, but I’m the one holding the knife so what I say goes. I would, however, suggest @COB and @ZenGiraffe seek this out (It’s free on YouTube) as I think it might be right up your Santa Claus Lane.

Kristen (Julie Austin) has to contend with a pervy little brother, a sleazy Father Christmas in the department store where she works (‘Santa said oral’), elves which try to get sexy with her despite looking like a bag of melted Haribo, and some of the most totally bogus 80s slang you’re likely to hear. All of the above is, naturally, washed down with lashings of incest. To me, it’s nowhere near as interesting as this synopsis suggests. It rambles on for bloody ages and feels like about eight films clumsily stapled together rather than anything actually cohesive. It’s certifiable, yes, but also absolute crap.

Best bit: Kristen’s vile old sot of a mother (Deanna Lund) is a Moopy icon waiting to happen, never more so than when delivering the line “The man in the study is your grandfather… and your FATHER.”

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[COB]

I like the sound of that! Plus ZG will definitely hate it so it's win-win.

 

[ButterTart]

I like the sound of that! Plus ZG will definitely hate it so it's win-win.

It truly is genuinely atrocious. Spookies looks like The Shawshank Redemption by comparison.

 

[ButterTart]

95. Family Reunion (1989)
No trailer for this one ​

Spooky shenanigans are afoot when a family visits the ghost town of Sutterville on Christmas Eve, presumably because Brockway and North Haverbrook had no rooms available.

A polite request to any American screenwriters considering setting their Christmas horror film in the desert: DON’T. Deserts are notoriously too low budget for snow, trees, or any of the other stuff that makes Christmas good. Seriously, this film is so un-festive it might as well hand you a copy of Watchtower during the opening credits.

Most of the film is just the family wandering around exploring and being thoroughly boring, intercut with scenes in a police station where a ghostly suspect is being interrogated. The murder weapon here is telekinesis, which is dull as all buggery when the budget doesn’t allow for anything more than the victims shaking a bit to represent being violently killed. There really isn’t much else I can say about this one other than that I don’t ever want to watch it again.

Best bit: The Dad (Mel Novak) shoots his entire family. Except he doesn’t.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[vespertine]

I can't even believe that there ARE 100 Christmas horrors.

Does CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS count?

 

[ButterTart]

94. Evil Elves (2018)
​

Uncork’d Entertainment, who shat out the turgid Krampus Origins (no. 97 on this list) brings us this tale of roughly 700 young adults who are all introduced at once, given no context or defining characteristics beyond ‘human aged between 19 and 40’, and celebrate Christmas with a wild party which, to the untrained eye, is just sitting around on deckchairs in an abandoned warehouse. They play a game called ‘naughty list’ and are then possessed by an EVIL ELF who forces them to do everything they put on the list.

The effects budget (an old £5 note and whatever they could get for a half-eaten Toblerone) is put to thrilling use here, with Snapchat-league facial distortions used to signal the presence of the elf, CGI blood aplenty and, at one point, a character holding an elf doll against their face to make it look like they’re being attacked. I couldn’t tell you which character that was, since none of them have an identifiable personality and the cast are all equally shit at acting.

Best bit: Probably the aforementioned elf attack but only because I can’t remember anything else happening despite having seen it twice.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: Because there are some unintentional laughs to be had and WT’s been at the cooking sherry and is feeling quite generous.

 

[ButterTart]

I can't even believe that there ARE 100 Christmas horrors.

Does CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS count?

Oh the list wasn't supposed to be anywhere near this long, I just got carried away and watched as many as I could.

There are still tons I've not watched and I don't know if I can bring myself to.

 

[Zu]

96. Elves (1989)

​

A teenager finds herself at the centre of a Nazi plot to impregnate a virgin with the seed of an elf in order to create a race of mindless super soldiers.

Well this sounds like a MUST!

 

[ButterTart]

93. Ugly Sweater Party (2018)
​

In which a nazi Christmas jumper possesses its wearer, who then goes on to massacre the attendees of a festive Bible camp.

Another Christmas film set in the balmy Southern states of America . This is meant to be a comedy and the desperation to be funny is almost palpable, which makes it all the sadder that it isn’t funny, not even a little bit. The two main characters aren’t funny, the two rival Bible camps being called Camp Mandix and Camp Sakamowtha isn’t funny, and the priest’s name being Father Bottoms is, in a shocking turn of events, not funny. The method of defeating the film’s villain is to repeatedly shoot him in the balls, which shows you the level the whole thing operates at. There’s also a full length music video halfway through, presumably because the band were either friends of the director or had some hours left to complete on their community service. The cinematography on this is actually quite nice, but you’re not here to be told stuff like that.

Best bit: There are some relatively satisfying kills with an energy cannon late in the film (don’t ask, because I can’t remember how that comes to pass) and the line ‘get the yeast out of your twat’ actually caused the corners of my mouth to twitch fleetingly upwards.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

92. One Hell of a Christmas (2002)
No trailer for this, either. Just enjoy this finely acted encounter which definitely didn't involve green screen.
​

Carlitos (Tolo Montana) leaves prison and gets involved in a scheme involving his friend Mike (Thure Lindhardt), who’s stolen an amulet which turns people into terrible special effects.

This really is the The Room of Christmas horror films. It’s bewilderingly horrendous but so sincere it’s almost endearing. Rather than just be mean for the sake of it and because it makes me feel powerful, I’ll instead share some choice ruminations from the notes I made while watching it.

· Carlitos was presumably inside for crimes against acting and reoffends continuously throughout the film.
· On his way out of prison, about 25 people tell him ‘don’t come back’ . We only needed ONE to make the point that he’s a nice guy.
· Is that Dev from Coronation Street?
· If Los Angeles is experiencing ‘the hottest Christmas in fifty years’, why is everyone wearing coats and hats?
· Why would you steal the amulet when you’ve just watched a load of people get brutalised by a demon for being in possession of it?
· There are so many shambling, pointless conversations. It’s like the autocue keeps failing and they’re having to desperately ad-lib.
· Oh God, the monster!
· It ends with Carlitos kissing someone just after he’s woken up, so he’s not yet brushed his teeth. I HATE that.

Despite a largely Hispanic cast and the L.A setting, this is actually a Danish film. @Mats to apologise onscreen.

Best bit: The horror is uniformly shite, so the best bit is a Santa toy which activates during a ‘tense’ scene and made me laugh because of how it just wobbles around like a mental.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[OutSynk]

Good luck finishing this @ButterTart

 

[ButterTart]

Good luck finishing this @ButterTart

I did seven months of dance rate without pausing for breath, I've got this.

 

[Tisch]

I did seven months of dance rate without pausing for breath, I've got this.

Yeah but that was seven years ago. We were all a lot younger then.

 

[ButterTart]

91. Two Front Teeth (2006)

​

Gabe Snow (Johnny Francis Wolf) is terrified of Father Christmas but works for a newspaper called The Xmas Files. While investigating a Christmas conspiracy involving a downed passenger jet, he’s targeted by Santa and his EVIL ELVES.

The fact that, to me, the most stupid thing about that synopsis is that someone with a phobia of Santa would work for a Christmas themed publication really goes some way to explaining how desensitised I am to this nonsense by now. This film wants to be comedy and horror and, for the most part, fails conspicuously at both. It throws bondage elves, ninja nuns and a Santa vs Tooth Fairy smackdown (Which goes on WAY too long) at the viewer and tries altogether too hard to impress. Less is more, my dude, less is more. Also, Gabe's wife is called Noelle, which just makes me want to put my head through the window.

On the plus side, the editor of the newspaper (Michael Brecher) sounds a bit like Popeye and there’s a pretty funny scene where a gun is pulled on carol singers.

Best bit: The animated sequence detailing the sleigh-related mishap which caused the plane to crash.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[OutSynk]

I did seven months of dance rate without pausing for breath, I've got this.

You only have December this time.

 

[ButterTart]

90. Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2014)
​

Small town cop Jeremy Duffin (A.J Leslie) tries to stop the pattern of child abductions which befall his community every ten years.

As enjoyable as a nail bomb at a nativity, this absolute dreck is so rubbish it can’t even manage to be the worst of the billion-or-so Krampus horrors on the market. Like @Tisch after 9pm on a Friday, nothing makes sense and just witnessing it is enough to make you question your own sanity. The idea of Krampus turning up once a decade to eat children is quite interesting, but the film decides to chuck in random jugsy women getting sacrificed and a pointless subplot about an ex-con seeking revenge on Jeremy, presumably out of embarrassment at being sent down by the least effective cop in history.

Yes, our Jez likes to have nonsensical, unscripted conversations. He likes to drive slowly through car parks while screeching tyre sound effects are played to give the impression of velocity. He demands to be allowed to go after Krampus immediately, then pops home for a shower and goes to the pub. He’s a useless bellend but, luckily for him, so is everyone else in this film.

Best bit: The most laughable fake news report I’ve ever seen. The newsreader gives far too much personal information about two police officers who’ve literally just been killed, then goes straight into ‘in lighter news…’. Christ, woman. I know they’re not R. BRAVEBOYS so they’re not proper heroes but at least show a bit of respect.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

 

[ButterTart]

@Tisch is it weird seeing your face all over the site? I've never really considered it before.

 

[Tisch]

It's not actually. I must be more of an attention seeker than I realised



(Unrelated: Moopy allstars Karaoke coming SOON)

 

[ButterTart]

89. Cruel Peter (2019)

​

Picture it: Sicily. 1908. A vile little twat gets buried alive on Christmas day. In the present day, and English archaeologist and his deaf daughter arrive at the boy’s former home and unexciting hauntings abound.

This is the first film on the list I’d expect anyone else to have actually watched, what with it being on Netflix. Although the main bulk of the film isn’t set anywhere Christmas, the festive season is vital to the plot as the titular Peter was buried three days before the Messina Earthquake on 28th December 1908. While I’m not about to claim this is one of the worst films ever made, it earns its low placing by being boring as all shit. The characters are one-note, the scares are cliched and it’s all just so very generic. Plus, it’s LONG (or at least it feels that way); I spent so much time watching it I was presented with a carriage clock at the end. We don’t even get to see Peter being all that cruel; he’s a maladjusted bellend, but I don’t feel like he’s the devil incarnate we’re expected to view him as. Maladjusted Bellend Peter isn’t quite as marketable, I suppose.

Best bit: There’s a sudden decapitation towards the end that’s quite cool. Like everything else in this film it’s ostensibly competent but lacking any real spark.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: Shitting points all over the shop now.

 

[Mats]

92. One Hell of a Christmas (2002)
No trailer for this, either. Just enjoy this finely acted encounter which definitely didn't involve green screen.
​

Carlitos (Tolo Montana) leaves prison and gets involved in a scheme involving his friend Mike (Thure Lindhardt), who’s stolen an amulet which turns people into terrible special effects.

This really is the The Room of Christmas horror films. It’s bewilderingly horrendous but so sincere it’s almost endearing. Rather than just be mean for the sake of it and because it makes me feel powerful, I’ll instead share some choice ruminations from the notes I made while watching it.

· Carlitos was presumably inside for crimes against acting and reoffends continuously throughout the film.
· On his way out of prison, about 25 people tell him ‘don’t come back’ . We only needed ONE to make the point that he’s a nice guy.
· Is that Dev from Coronation Street?
· If Los Angeles is experiencing ‘the hottest Christmas in fifty years’, why is everyone wearing coats and hats?
· Why would you steal the amulet when you’ve just watched a load of people get brutalised by a demon for being in possession of it?
· There are so many shambling, pointless conversations. It’s like the autocue keeps failing and they’re having to desperately ad-lib.
· Oh God, the monster!
· It ends with Carlitos kissing someone just after he’s woken up, so he’s not yet brushed his teeth. I HATE that.

Despite a largely Hispanic cast and the L.A setting, this is actually a Danish film. @Mats to apologise onscreen.

Best bit: The horror is uniformly shite, so the best bit is a Santa toy which activates during a ‘tense’ scene and made me laugh because of how it just wobbles around like a mental.

Weihnachtstische out of ten:

Thure Lindhardt I know most actors start out rough but even so!