We used to have this Religious Education/Ethics & Philosophy Teacher, Mr [REDACTED], in school. He wasn't gay, but people used to make jokes about him being cos he was slightly camp. He had quite a good sense of humour so he took it in his stride, and when we came to the end of sixth form we (The Ethics & Philosophy A Level Class) decided we should get him a joke present.
Somebody (Not me) had the bright idea of buying him a DILDO. Now, you'd think that somebody in a group of reasonably intelligent 17/18 year olds would point out what a shocking and utterly innapropriate gift that would be, but, well... no. Everyone thought it was a great idea, and me and my friend Paul were given the job of going to buy it. So we went down to Anne Summers and picked up a grotesque double ended THING Called the Anal Intruder.
So we had our little last class of the year party, gave him his present, against all odds he took it in good humour, but afterwards he took me to one side (I was a bit of a little shit so I think he assumed it was my idea, or perhaps it was just because I was Gay and he thought i'd have a use for it ) and told me that he couldn't possibly leave this in school, he could be fired, and he could even less take it home, so would I please dispose of it for him. I agreed, slipped it in my bag, meaning to bin it, but ultimately forgot all about it and so when I got home I hid it in a cupboard in my room and forgot about it....
Fast forward about 3 weeks into the Summer Holidays....
I'm hanging around at home when my Mum & Dad ask if they can have a word. My Mum asks me if I think i'm gay. I say yes, i am. They react really badly, dad storms off out, Mum starts crying and goes down to the shed (Where she works). I'm left feeling understandably awkward and upset, so I decide i need to get out of the house for a bit. For some bizarre reason my thoughts turn to the Dildo, and I think i'd better get rid of it now, if they find it later it'll only make things worse. So I go upstairs, get it, come down, throw it on the sofa, get ready, go out.
Ten minutes down the road I think..... SHIT
Leg it home to find Mum absolutely WEEPING in the kitchen, the Dildo still sitting on the Sofa. I am homeless for 3 days and it's another 2 weeks before she'll actually speak to me.