Moopyvision 2010-2019 Round 15: Austria, Hungary & Poland

[Dark Carnival]

5th: Gromee featuring Lukas Meijer - Light Me Up (107pts)

There's a reason Fatboy Slim never appeared in any of his videos. Banging tunesmith, looked like a substitute maths teacher. Such is the fate of Gromee here, managing to render a passable uptempo dance track thoroughly unvoteable by waving his arms around like Steve Wright from Radio 2 accidentally wandering into a rave and wondering whether his pill has kicked in yet (it was actually just a tic tac).

Singer Lukas Meijer is, inevitably, a borrowed Swede and apparently frontman of the dreadfully-named indie band 'No Sleep for Lucy'. There was no final for Poland this year.

3 x 12 (Pingu, Buttertart, Jacques)
2 x 0 (VoR, Ill Advised)

Top 10 worst vocals ever

 

[win_the_game]

That story reads like classic @Suomi fan fiction.

 

[Dark Carnival]

4th: Michał Szpak - Color of Your Life (118pts)

...including this, the ultimate gag of Eurovision 2016.

In a final expected to be tightly fought between Russia and Australia, Ukraine nabbing a consensus victory was surprising enough, but this little-fancied ballad staying in the mix right down to the wire was a gay pearl clutch for the ages (and another we'd be ROBBED of under the revamped voting structure - just saying).

At the time we wondered whether renewed domestic interest and a massive diaspora meant that Poland were set to become the new Turkey, but subsequent entries quickly disproved that theory.

Perhaps this touching YouTube comment under the official video goes some way towards explaining the appeal...



3 x 12 (Tischlampe, sewerynsven, David_5000)
3 x 0 (Buttertart, Win The Game, auretz)

! at the YouTube comment

 

[ButterTart]

4th: Michał Szpak - Color of Your Life (118pts)

...including this, the ultimate gag of Eurovision 2016.

In a final expected to be tightly fought between Russia and Australia, Ukraine nabbing a consensus victory was surprising enough, but this little-fancied ballad staying in the mix right down to the wire was a gay pearl clutch for the ages (and another we'd be ROBBED of under the revamped voting structure - just saying).

At the time we wondered whether renewed domestic interest and a massive diaspora meant that Poland were set to become the new Turkey, but subsequent entries quickly disproved that theory.

Perhaps this touching YouTube comment under the official video goes some way towards explaining the appeal...



3 x 12 (Tischlampe, sewerynsven, David_5000)
3 x 0 (Buttertart, Win The Game, auretz)

Absolute pig fucker of a song. He looks like an only slightly sexier Cheryl Cole.

If any of my friends had told me this represented our relationship, I'd assume they were calling me a cunt and stab them accordingly.

 

[VoR]

3rd: TULIA - Fire of Love (131pts)

Well, you certainly can't knock the Poles for shying away from the NOICE, DIFFR'NT and UNEWESUAL.

Apparently this style of caterwauling singing is known as 'White Voice', which sounds like a far right Facebook group I was depressed to learn my Uncle Gareth was a member of, but apparently it's just a traditional Eastern European pastime. Y'know, like stoning gays.

A controversial eliminee that may or may not have been legitimately robbed of a chance to finish 22nd in the final, the jury remains out on that. For my money, I never felt like the singers felt very comfortable on the stage, and all the background L'oreal advert shots in the world can't disguise what a static and one-paced performance it is. The multiple crowd shots of the gays in the audience having absolutely no idea how to react to it kind of says it all.

Nice idea, but no cigar for the Polish witches and their dry, damaged hair.

4 x 12 (wurst, Dark Carnival, Win The Game, Soldi)
3 x 1 (auretz, Pingu, David_5000)

 

[VoR]

So it's between the milk churning ladies and... a song from 2011 that I was surprised anybody even remembered. Just 12 points in it in the end...

 

[ButterTart]

I have no idea what the 2011 song even is, it's been so long since I rated them.

 

[VoR]

2nd: Magdalena Tul - Jestem (132pts)

Popular chanteuse and notable Eurovision fan Adele apparently hates performing concerts in Germany because 'German sound engineers are the fucking worst'.

They certainly lived down to this reputation during their 2011 hosting gig, with the first Semi Final in particular plagued with issues - most notably poor sacrificial lamb Magdalena, who opened the show with such muddy backing that she was essentially singing a capela for much of her performance. If viewers at home noticed this, they evidently had little sympathy and she crashed out in last place, the worst performing Polish Eurovision entry ever and their last appearence for 3 years.

Moopy is somewhat kinder, but then this is a decent enough bop on record. One suspects that the sound problems (the Eurovision equivalent of stocking issues, I guess?) were more the difference between 13th and last than a genuine death knell, but there's still a sense of squandered potential here. All that and she nearly went blind stoning that dress.

1 x 12 (Ill Advised)
3 x 2 (Pingu, Tischlampe, sewerynsven)

 

[ButterTart]

The slaggy milkmaids were the correct choice, all told.

 

[dmlaw]

Jestem was a good song but I'm on record as being a fan of folk music, so the milkmaids were the only choice.

 

[VoR]

1st: Donatan & Cleo - My Słowianie (144pts)

Offensive, retrograde and an instant Eurovision classic. Poland's return in 2014 was the definition of a country playing to their strengths.

Already a massive viral hit in the homeland, some smart cookie at Polish TV realised this celebration of Slavic womanhood would be an excellent fit for the Eurovision stage - and so it turned out, despite a chilly reception from the scandalised juries.

You just knew from the moment this aired that it was going to feature in Eurovision clip shows from now until the end of time. It may have finished a middling 14th, but aside from the winner it's hard to think of anything else from 2014 - or indeed anything else from Poland's Eurovision history - that's had anywhere near as much impact.

5 x 12 (VoR, Kevin, dmlaw, Kevin7, Ag)
3 x 0 (Tischlampe, Suomi, Jacques, Helen Lovejoy)

 

[Tisch]

I know it's a classic but it's a shit song and I think I was feeling a bit grumpy when I did my results.

 

[ButterTart]

Who is Helen Lovejoy? Zu?

 

[VoR]

Who is Helen Lovejoy? Zu?

Oh that was just a joke

 

[dmlaw]

I assume that we'll be getting the Hungarian results next and the Viszlat Nyar will have cruised to a richly deserved win.

 

[ButterTart]

Oh that was just a joke

I was about to pass comment on how aptly named they were.

 

[ButterTart]

I assume that we'll be getting the Hungarian results next and the Viszlat Nyar will have cruised to a richly deserved win.

I'm keeping a close eye on those results. Anyone who gave it less than a ten is getting kicked out of the best friends gang.

 

[VoR]

In @Penelope's absence, some Polish Insta updates.

Murderous Martin changed his surname to Fitch, moved to London and became a cute cub.



Magdalena is also in London these days, with two kids. Most of her Insta still focuses on her Eurovision glory(?) days so I suspect she did not go on to become the Polish Madonna.



Cleo is rocking the hair extensions and questionable accessories



Michal Szpak's career has gone from strength to strength, and he's an outspoken critic of Poland's increasingly draconian anti-LGBT laws

 

[dmlaw]

I'm keeping a close eye on those results. Anyone who gave it less than a ten is getting kicked out of the best friends gang.

This is the unquestionably fair and benevolent leadership that Moopy has been crying out for.

 

[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAaaaA]

I genuinely secretly love Colour Of Your Life although had it not had that massive voting gag, I highly doubt I’d ever have noticed it.

It’s very rousing and simple, I imagine its voters were mainly QUITE OLD.

Interesting that he seems to be doing Conchita better than Conchita herself these days!

 

[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAaaaA]

And HOW is Magdalena Tul still going on about a LONG FORGOTTEN 2011 Eurovision semi final performance on Instagram

Has NOTHING HAPPENED IN HER LIFE SINCE

 

[VoR]

Hungary

9th: Boggie - Wars For Nothing (41pts)

Ugh, this drip.

Hungary have certainly run the gamut over the past decade of Eurovision, but despite a promising start their trajectory definitely curved towards real music before their 2020 strop-out. This was by far the worst of the bunch, and my personal pick for my least favourite Eurovision song of the past ten years. If you think it's enough of a slog to hear once, imagine 4 x rehearsals in a row at least three times over the course of a fortnight. Thank Christ they were never sadistic enough to play it at Euroclub or my fandom might have ended in Vienna.

She was quite social media savvy who had gone mildly viral with an inventive video for a pre-Eurovision song called Perfume. It being 2015, she created a bunch of 'flash mobs' on the ground in Vienna, a truly terrible concept for a song this dreary, but on the plus side she seemingly killed off the entire fad in the process.

1 x 10 (auretz)
8 x 0 (VoR, Ag, Ill Advised, Kevin, Pingu, Penelope, Buttertart, Suomi)

 

[win_the_game]

I quite liked Boggie. It made a change from the usual pop cock-rock.

 

[dmlaw]

I thought Boggie was perfectly acceptable as well. I am beginning to think that we may need to sit @auretz down for a chat about his music taste.

 

[VoR]

8th: AWS - Viszlát nyár (76pts)

Sorry @ButterTart, but the gays have spoken and Mr AWS isn't hot enough to get a pass for this racket.

I don't really mind it that much, personally. I mean I could never actually listen to it for pleasure, and I do worry that if he carries on like this the poor boy is going to wind up sounding like Marge Simpson's mother by the time he hits his thirties, but you sort of have to have one of these in the mix every year and in the absence of reliable cock-rock fetishists Turkey and Bosnia, better that Hungary step into the void than, say, Sweden.

I tragically overestimated how many heterosexuals would wind up watching this mess and put a fair chunk of cash on a surprise top ten placing. I say this every round, but please, never mistake my passion for this thing for any kind of intelligent predictive insight.

2 x 12 (Oh, guess...)
5 x 0 (superstylin', auretz, kevin7, sewerynsven, Jacques)

 

[dmlaw]

I can't believe you'd get this close to the end and then make the whole thing null and void.

 

[ButterTart]

8th: AWS - Viszlát nyár (76pts)

Sorry @ButterTart, but the gays have spoken and Mr AWS isn't hot enough to get a pass for this racket.

I don't really mind it that much, personally. I mean I could never actually listen to it for pleasure, and I do worry that if he carries on like this the poor boy is going to wind up sounding like Marge Simpson's mother by the time he hits his thirties, but you sort of have to have one of these in the mix every year and in the absence of reliable cock-rock fetishists Turkey and Bosnia, better that Hungary step into the void than, say, Sweden.

I tragically overestimated how many heterosexuals would wind up watching this mess and put a fair chunk of cash on a surprise top ten placing. I say this every round, but please, never mistake my passion for this thing for any kind of intelligent predictive insight.

2 x 12 (Oh, guess...)
6 x 0 (superstylin', auretz, kevin7, Dark Carnival, sewerynsven, Jacques)

What in the cunting fuck is this? I'm asking Indie to close down this HATE SITE immediately.

 

[ButterTart]

I can't believe you'd get this close to the end and then make the whole thing null and void.

Did you give it 12?

 

[VoR]

7th: Joci Pápai - Az én apám (78pts)

The lesser of manbun Joci's rather earnest Eurovision efforts, and possibly the last we'll hear of Hungary for some time - they stropped out of 2020 after this became their first NQ in a decade. Imagine if San Marino were that touchy!

This song is perfectly nice, in the way that you sort of nod approvingly and assume it'll do quite well, only to completely forget about it when the votes come in.

In the absence of anything particularly interesting to say about this, here is an alarming video of Joci performing Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive in blackface and full drag.

1 x 10 (Superstylin')
1 x 0 (Win the game)

 

[dmlaw]

Did you give it 12?

Of course I did.

 

[ButterTart]

Oh God, even Joci and his horrible pair managed to beat Viszlat Nyar.

 

[ButterTart]

Of course I did.

Thank fuck! I thought I'd be sitting alone in the best friends gang clubhouse from now on.

 

[VoR]

6th: Freddie - Pioneer (79pts)

This is Freddie. He has nice arms and a stomach you'd probably quite like to jizz on. There may also have been a song, but there's no way to confirm that at this time.

1 x 10 (Buttertart)
6 x 1 (VoR, Penelope, Pingu, Kevin, Win_The_Game, Ill Advised)

 

[ButterTart]

Oh God, this is like one of those series of Big Brother where all the fun, interesting contestants get voted out first, and a man in an iron lung and an old woman who can't find the exit are all that's left to entertain you for the last week.

 

[VoR]

5th: Compact Disco - Sound of our Hearts (80pts)

The vote spread in this mid-section kinda says it all about Hungary this decade - very much a battle of the blands. This one is passably listenable in a Maroon 5 go Europop kinda way I guess.

Look, we all know who's won this round. I'm really just marking time at this point.

1 x 10 (David_5000)
3 x 0 (Alla, Soldi, wurst)

 

[ButterTart]

5th: Compact Disco - Sound of our Hearts (80pts)

The vote spread in this mid-section kinda says it all about Hungary this decade - very much a battle of the blands. This one is passably listenable in a Maroon 5 go Europop kinda way I guess.

Look, we all know who's won this round. I'm really just marking time at this point.

1 x 10 (David_5000)
4 x 0 (Dark Carnival, Alla, Soldi, wurst)

How the Hell did this get so high up? I'm starting to think that everyone else just gave 12 to Wolf Kati and randomly allocated the rest without listening to the songs.

 

[Pingu]

How the Hell did this get so high up? I'm starting to think that everyone else just gave 12 to Wolf Kati and randomly allocated the rest without listening to the songs.

And?

 

[VoR]

4th: ByeAlex - Kedvesem [Zoohacker Remix] (101pts)

It's very easy to look at ByeAlex, with his stupid name and indoor beanie, and instantly default to hate. I certainly did back in 2013. But in retrospect this is quite a sweet song really, and I believe notable as the only song to be officially credited as a remix - the original was far more boring.

Little was expected of this at the time, but it managed to do what Wolfie couldn't and creep into the top ten - Hungary's first real success story since the screaming bus stop lady in 2007. ByeAlex seemed thoroughly unbothered by the whole circus and presumably went straight back to alphabetising his vinyl collection and instagramming his breakfast smoothies when it was all over.

1 x 12 (Win The Game)
2 x 0 (Tischlampe, David_5000)

 

[win_the_game]

Dark Carnival was a bit generous with the 0s in this round.

 

[ButterTart]

4th: ByeAlex - Kedvesem [Zoohacker Remix] (101pts)

It's very easy to look at ByeAlex, with his stupid name and indoor beanie, and instantly default to hate. I certainly did back in 2013. But in retrospect this is quite a sweet song really, and I believe notable as the only song to be officially credited as a remix - the original was far more boring.

Little was expected of this at the time, but it managed to do what Wolfie couldn't and creep into the top ten - Hungary's first real success story since the screaming bus stop lady in 2007. ByeAlex seemed thoroughly unbothered by the whole circus and presumably went straight back to alphabetising his vinyl collection and instagramming his breakfast smoothies when it was all over.

1 x 12 (Win The Game)
3 x 0 (Tischlampe, David_5000, Dark Carnival)

Now this is actually a pleasant surprise - I didn't expect Moopy to give this time of day.