Moopyvision 2010-2019 Round 8: Israel, Portugal & Russia

[Dark Carnival]

True. I don’t think that ANY of my 12 pointers have actually won

 

[Dark Carnival]

So, a full forty minutes between being asked if we were ready and the first result. I'm starting to suspect that VoR is doing this on purpose as a raw display of his power to control our evenings.

Oh VoR has total control over my social and sex lives

 

[Suomi]

9th: Peter Nalitch - Lost & Forgotten (53pts)

It's easy to forget now that they're Europe's finest purveyors of brutally efficient arena pop, but back in their early Eurovision days, Russia were, essentially, complete freaks. After they finally got their first win in 2008, they briefly started allowing that side of themselves to peek through again. Hence, well... this.

I must confess that I'm disappointed Moopy put this one last. I mean, obviously it's completely unlistenable, but it has a kind of ramshackle charm that's very much lacking in more recent Russian entries. From the 'photo' that's actually just a hasty sketch of what appears to be a malnourished alien, to the bored supporting actor, to the bit where the wind machine cranks up to 11 and it essentially becomes an incomprehensible vodka-fuelled rendition of 'Unchained Melody', it's the kind of patently ludicrous nonsense that's sorely lacking in this day and age.

2 x 10 (Win The Game, dmlaw)
9 x 0 (Kalabaliken, lolly, sewerynsven, Alla, Ag, Superstylin', SDF, Buttertart, Suomi)

This write-up

 

[AGinAg (37)]

So, a full forty minutes between being asked if we were ready and the first result. I'm starting to suspect that VoR is doing this on purpose as a raw display of his power to control our evenings.

You just know control is his thing. Many an evening gone too far and that's another trip to B&Q and suitcase in the wardrobe.

 

[ButterTart]

Not since Don't Play That Song Again has a title predicted its own fate as accurately as Lost & Forgotten.

 

[lolly]

So, a full forty minutes between being asked if we were ready and the first result. I'm starting to suspect that VoR is doing this on purpose as a raw display of his power to control our evenings.

I get raw power and control vibes in 95% of his posts anyway.

It's so Erotic

 

[Zu]

You just know control is his thing. Many an evening gone too far and that's another trip to B&Q and suitcase in the wardrobe.

Doesn’t even buy suitcases these days. Just throws the remains out of the window for the cats

 

[VoR]

8th: Alex Sparrow - Get You (58pts)

Another compelling facet of the Russian approach to Eurovision is how, try as they might, they just can't seem to help getting in their own way. Evidently hoping to replicate the Timbaland-produced success of Believe, they forked out for then white-hot producer RedOne for this track, only to utterly wreck their own chances with the stage show.

In fairness, it's questionable how well this was ever going to do given it was clearly fished out of the bottom of Gaga's Fame-era demo draw. But oh, my, the Choreography! Not many people can pull off singing and dancing at the same time, and clearly poor old Alex could barely do either.

His 'overpaid executive who got the job because daddy runs the company' vibe didn't exactly emanate votability either, for all his coked-up attempts at getting the clearly bemused Dusseldorf crowd going.

Alas, not even the usual cocktail of threats and bribes could get voters on board for this, and until quite recently it was the worst-performing Russian Eurovision entry of the 21st century.

1 x 6 (Ill Advised)
3 x 0 (Dark Carnival, Raining on Me, Zu Klara)

 

[Raining on Me]

Truly horrible on every level. But probably no less essential in Eurovision because of it.

 

[Alla]

I didn't give him my 0 because I still have the Alex Sparrow t-shirt @Zu-Klara sent me, god knows why.

 

[AGinAg (37)]

For the Eurovision powerhouse they are now, I'm amazed how forgotten a few of these were.

 

[Zu]

T-shit

I can’t even think of anything to say about that one except FLUSH. Was the name some attempt at sounding like DEN HARROW? ()

 

[AGinAg (37)]

I mean none of them are as bad as Ding Dong to be fair.

 

[Dark Carnival]

It got my 00 coz I felt EMBARRASSED watching that perf.

 

[ButterTart]

T-shit

I can’t even think of anything to say about that one except FLUSH. Was the name some attempt at sounding like DEN HARROW? ()

If you're going to change your name in order to get over with the capitalist western dogs, why in fuck would you choose the name 'Sparrow'?

 

[win_the_game]

Horrible. Alex has one of those nasal voices that are just unpleasant to listen to. The song trode the fine line of making him sound desperate/rapey.

 

[Alla]

T-shit

I meant t-shirt, but it is very cheap darling. Still appreciate it. x

Spoiler

 

[Dark Carnival]

What's THAT about?!

 

[Zu]

I meant t-shirt, but it is very cheap darling. Still appreciate it. x

Spoiler

! I knew you’d love the STAINS

 

[AGinAg (37)]

Zu has been sending Alla Eurovision themed VESTS?

These topics never stop giving.

 

[Zu]

Oh of course I haven’t. You can’t get those down Pitsea Market

OR HAVE I?

 

[dmlaw]

Before this week, I hadn't heard Get You since 2011 and had remembered it being quite good. I was mistaken.

 

[Raining on Me]

I fully agree that every Eurovision needs at least one Conan and at least one Suzy, but that doesn't mean that we should pretend that they have any merit. Maybe we could draw up a rota system.

Well, quite!

I'm well aware that not being a big fan of Suzy's tepid little Strictly backing number for a shit Salsa makes me a miserable old crone but even if we embrace its Christmas cracker value, it's certainly not something to go back to by choice.

As for Salvador, sorry but it's beautiful and I'm glad something so old fashioned-Disney and QUAINT did it for them in the end. Obviously his shrivelled, raisin-like heart turned him into a fun-hating wretch but let's just ignore that and hope he dies quickly and quietly.

Anyway back to Queen Russia

 

[VoR]

7th: Yulia Samoylova - I Won't Break (58pts)

...and so to Russia's actual worst performance of the century. Really, what can be said about this one that hasn't already been covered extensively? Icon, inspiration and war profiteer Yulia Samoylova certainly took a winding path to this haunting three minutes of stage time in Lisbon.

What really sticks out about this performance is how clearly nobody involved has a clue what to do with her. With a little bit of taste, restraint and decorum (and a chorus she was actually capable of singing) this could have actually been faintly moving. Instead it's three minutes of the producers desperately screaming "DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!"

It's quite the negative accomplishment to be plonked on top of a Volcano and still get written out of your own performance, but I would conservatively estimate that Yulia is the focus of the camera for 45 seconds of this performance at the very most. The rest is a showcase for the FULLY WORKABLE LEGS of her dancers, which really does feel most distasteful, and the baffling prominence of the 'backing singers' who would usually be hidden away in the shadows, but here are promoted to co-star status, presumably to give us something, anything to look at rather than the actual lead performer.

It's hard to feel particularly sorry for her under the circumstances, but this was a thoroughly unedifying spectacle all round.

1 x 12 (Win the Game - COME ON )
7 x 0 (VoR, Pingu, Penelope, Kevin, dmlaw, Ill Advised, Kevin7)

 

[Alla]

OMG Yulia

 

[Dark Carnival]

A true angle

 

[Alla]

@Win_the_game finally showing some taste

 

[AGinAg (37)]

I didn't hate I Won't Break and found several of the comments about her rather beneath Moopy.

That being said fuck her and I'm glad it flopped.

 

[ButterTart]

What a load of SHITE.

Truly possessed of a voice as powerful as her legs.

 

[Alla]

If at least it was an erupting volcano with Yulia flying high.

 

[dmlaw]

I'm quite hoping that Ukraine win again just to see who Russia send to piss them off next time. I'm going to predict Hunter Biden performing in front of a big picture of Stalin.

 

[Zu]

Actually I had a re-read of the two Julia threads recently and I did think that some of my comments and the Wanda thing were possibly a BIT MUCH

 

[lolly]

Moopy - possibly a bit much

Can we have that in our next banner, please?

 

[win_the_game]

Oh ffs you BASTARDS.

 

[ButterTart]

Actually I had a re-read of the two Julia threads recently and I did think that some of my comments and the Wanda thing were probably a BIT MUCH

What was the Wanda thing?

 

[Zu]

Oh I just got carried away and it was a nickname I conjured up which was an alliterative reference to her being in a wheelchair. LET’S MOVE ON NEXT PLEASE @VoR

 

[Raining on Me]

Instead it's three minutes of the producers desperately screaming "DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!"

Poor evil Yulia. The song isn't even that bad. Even with how horribly misguided it was she still probably deserved to sneak into the final where she would have no doubt upped her game, plonked and splayed out on a huge cone of popcorn instead of a cold mountain

 

[VoR]

6th: Dina Garipova - What If (112pts)

Ah, the other classic Russian troll move - the shit eating peace ballad.

It's hardly poor mumsy Dina's fault I guess, but in retrospect this is such a watery first draft of A Million Voices. I feel like it's all summed up in those BLAND, WASHED OUT colours they inexplicably put her in. Where's the drama? The desperation? The sense that a beloved child or parent may very well have a gun to their temple just out of view of the camera?

There are a few touches of classic Russian weirdness to cling onto. The creepy shadowy backing singers look like they could legit grab Dima and drag her kicking and screaming offstage at any moment. Sadly, their far less interesting actual function is to half-heartedly fling a couple of exercise balls into the crowd. Disappointingly tame all round.

2 x 10 (Kalabaliken, Jacques)
1 x 0 (wurst)

 

[Raining on Me]

I think it became a free pass to mock Miss Samoylova due to her rather ROTTEN take on certain events. I think.

In which case wishing her to wheel off stage face first (but hoping she'd still qualify) was probably okay. At the time.

 

[Alla]

Why aren't the diabolical Tolmachevy Sisters out already?