POISON PEN'S COFFEE MORNING (10am)

[lolly]

How about a game of SOGGY BISCUIT?

YOU FIRST

 

[Penelope]

Look loves, do you think I'm MADE OF MONEY. It's a CHEAP DIGESTIVE OR WHATEVER YOU BROUGHT YOURSELVES

HONESTLY

 

[Zu]

How many of those have you had, @Zu-Klara?

THREE. I’m eating my feelings

 

[lolly]

Sorry love, cappuccino's off. Instant Americano only. Maybe hold the Americano

I'll go for a NESCAFE SACHET

 

[Soldi]

HI EVERYONE I‘M ZU. Fifth on the Likes chart with that awful @Lucille in front of me so I think a certain someone should make sure I don‘t execute an accidental slip, trip or fall when we all get up for a dance on the pole in half an hour

13th

Topped by DC so it’s not all bad

 

[lolly]

How many of those have you had, @Zu-Klara?

Sorry, that took a while

 

[Penelope]

Anyone ELSE for a HIGHBALL OF NESCAFÉ?

 

[Zu]

Anyone for HUGS?

 

[Soldi]

Anyone ELSE for a HI-BALL OF NESCAFÉ?

YES PLEASE considering I still don’t have access to my own KITCHEN

 

[Soldi]

Anyone for HUGS?

SUPER SPREADER

 

[lolly]

Anyway @Penelope, get on with WHIPPING ME UP A FROTHY ONE, I've got a UNISON meeting starting in 15 minutes

 

[Penelope]

Anyone for HUGS?

I'm THIS CLOSE to ordering you OUT OF MY PROPERTY

 

[lolly]

SUPER SPREADER

From EAR TO EAR, allegedly

 

[Nancy]

WOULD ANYONE LIKE A NESCAFÉ ENEMA?

 

[Zu]

Sorry @Penelope but I’m not eating this biscuit. Someone’s wiped their bottom on it

 

[jivafox]

 

[lolly]

WOULD ANYONE LIKE A NESCAFÉ ENEMA?

Remember to SPOON IT OUT OF THE JAR FIRST THIS TIME, love

 

[Penelope]

Right, now we've got the beverages sorted and the LOVELY TUNA ASPIC SPREAD out afore you all (don't SKIMP ON THE COMPLIMENTS LADIES!), let us turn to the SUBJECT of the morning - a SUMMARY SOCIAL ASSASSINATION of @Suomi

 

[Penelope]

Sorry @Penelope but I’m not eating this biscuit. Someone’s wiped their bottom on it

Oh darling it's just LOCAL FLAVOUR

 

[lolly]

I'm not convinced this level of POSTING HYSTERIA before 10.30 is ENTIRELY HEALTHY YOU KNOW

I'm going to be SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY into a corner by midday, I can feel it

 

[ZenGiraffe]

I’m hungover and want to die and can’t make coffee because there’s a randomer asleep on the kitchen floor

SUPERSPREADY SOLDI'S FLATMATES

 

[Soldi]

SUPERSPREADY SOLDI'S FLATMATES

Stop shouting my head hurts

 

[ZenGiraffe]

I am currently still fasting as part of my 16:8 diet so if someone could describe eating a cake in great detail so I can pretend I'm eating it myself, that would be great.

 

[Soldi]

I am currently still fasting as part of my 16:8 diet so if someone could describe eating a cake in great detail so I can pretend I'm eating it myself, that would be great.

Omg I’m doing that today! Coming off the wagon again tomorrow because I shall be drinking/nibbling into the early hours.

 

[lolly]

I'm not convinced this level of POSTING HYSTERIA before 10.30 is ENTIRELY HEALTHY YOU KNOW

I'm going to be SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY into a corner by midday, I can feel it

And YET AGAIN, which NAUGHTY SCAMP is BEHIND IT?

 

[dmlaw]

*walks in*

*leaves again*

 

[Lucille]

Sorry @Penelope but I’m not eating this biscuit. Someone’s wiped their bottom on it

Is JULIE here?

 

[Penelope]

I am currently still fasting as part of my 16:8 diet so if someone could describe eating a cake in great detail so I can pretend I'm eating it myself, that would be great.

I really can highly recommend those new Percy Pig mini pies they've started selling at M&S, as part of their ongoing commitment to having absolutely no new product ideas that don't involve Percy Pig flavouring

 

[Penelope]

Is JULIE here?

She's followed me back on Instagram but ignored every single one of my messages so far, including the invite to join our GLITTERING COTERIE

 

[Zu]

I‘m not one to gossip as you know but I was at JENNY‘S JACUZZI the other day with @Suomi and he‘s got WEBBED FEET

 

[lolly]

Sorry latecomers, we're just down to a few chamomile tea bags and a half empty bottle of Camp with a rim stickier than Lucille's now

 

[Penelope]

And YET AGAIN, which NAUGHTY SCAMP is BEHIND IT?

Are you QUESTIONING my ever renowned CALMING INFLUENCE?

 

[GNL]

I really can highly recommend those new Percy Pig mini pies they've started selling at M&S, as part of their ongoing commitment to having absolutely no new product ideas that don't involve Percy Pig flavouring

Now with 100% less pig.

 

[Lucille]

I hear Sumoi's hole is less of an anus and more an infinite well of sadness.

 

[Penelope]

Now with 100% less pig.

@RaspberrySwirl HINDWAYS UP AND SQUEALING in a LOCAL ABBATOIR

 

[Penelope]

I heard @Suomi killed a child once and used it in a stir fry. But I don't like to gossip

 

[Penelope]

I hear Sumoi's hole is less of an anus and more an infinite well of sadness.

PROJECTION YOUR HONOUR!

 

[ButterTart]

The dead (?) homeless guy in the corner is especially chic.

Bit rude, that’s Penelope.

 

[Zu]

I heard @Suomi killed a child once and used it in a stir fry. But I don't like to gossip

I have repeatedly asked him where he got that hand-crafted TOENAIL NECKLACE from

 

[ButterTart]

I heard @Suomi killed a child once and used it in a stir fry. But I don't like to gossip

Fuck’s sake I hate this sort of salacious rumour mongering. It was a chow mein.