Wednesday hangs around sewage outlet pipes, treading water with their mouth open

But are you still having pork and pickled fancies for Shona’s wedding now?
 
The modern world is full of stress;
So many nervous wrecks.
People turn to alcohol,
Drugs, and even sex.

Drink will rot your liver;
Drugs put you in jail;
Sex I don't agree with, but...
What works when they all fail...

Is some tea,
On a tray,
And some biscuits coming your way;
Slice of bakewell tart,
Lightens up the heart,
Carbs will brighten your day.

Can't feel blue,
Can't feel flat,
When you're munching sugar and fat;
Spend your salaries,
On them calories,
Don't bother with barbituates or anything like that,
Anything like that.

Drugs can do damage,
Take poor old Ozzy Osbourne;
All he seems to do is fret and shake;
He's a rockstar, a baron,
Now I'm not blaming Sharon,
He's a stranger to the benefits of Oven Bottom Cake.

He would be,
Smooth as silk,
If he'd lived on muffins and milk;
Learnt some etiquette,
Played the clarinet,
He could be with practise a second Acker Bilk.

He could sip,
He could sup,
Nice hot tea in a lovely pink cup;
Relax, unwind a bit,
Eff and bind a bit,
So have a fucking custard cream and shut the fuck up.

Cocaine, orgies,
Frankie Bough will tell ya,
A man's career could suffer a mishap;
Scandals, they fester,
Now I'm not blaming Nesta,
But Frank's never had the pleasure of an egg and chutney bap.

Few less chains,
Few less whips,
If he'd stuck to pastie and chips;
A nice medeera won't,
Plunge you nearer to,
A television profile that's in total eclipse.

All that sex,
All that vice,
You could catch a chill in a trice;
Take fellatio,
Cut the ratio,
Whop your chops around a lovely coconut slice.

Flirting, foreplay,
Poor old Billy Clinton,
Just a thong at twilight and he'll lunge;
Now what's a shame here,
And Hilary's to blame here,
She should have stuffed his lunchbox... with a bit of low fat sponge.

To conclude,
Don't be rude,
You just stick to comforting food;
If you're feeling festive,
A nice digestive,
Will keep you all in the mood.

Thwarted lives,
Shattered dreams,
Divvie out them old gypsie creams;
(You can't say gypsie any more, Mrs O, it's very politically incorrect.)
Pain and fear,
You can smite 'em,
With a nomadic people's non-dairy biscuit effect item.

Cheer your afternoon,
With a macaroon,
Put a smile on your face;
Though your vision is shuttered,
Just get your crumpet buttered,
And your world will be a happier place!
 
First night of our honeymoon, I were in bed, he was making a hutch.

What for?

BUGGER ONLY KNOWS!
 
Daddy and I aren't into the drug scene, although we were the first couple in our crescent to use Hermesetas.
 
I said to Col - get your duffle. Two pounds on a box of Quality Street and somebody says 'womb'.
 
What I feel for Acorn Antiques and you Miss Babs and you Miss Berta is nothing more or less than plain and simple...cove
 
I can't say this often enough. It may be Hamlet, but it's got to be fun, fun, fun!
 
I'm just relieved someone has broken the chain, truth be told.

Although ButterTart did veer slightly off script.
 
Oh they are classics, but they aren't all Julie Walters characters.
 
lolly said:
Oh they are classics, but they aren't all Julie Walters characters.
Click to expand...

So now it's a free for all

I've had my share of gynaecological gyp. I still can't polka without wincing, but we're spunky in Cheadle, we totter on.
 
I'm apparently something of a celebrity since I walked the Pennine Way in slingbacks in an attempt to publicise mental health.
 
I never speak behind people's backs. If I have something nasty to say...I pop it on a postcard.
 
My friend, Julie Walters, star of Educating Rita and Typhoo One Cup. And she only got that because Meryl Streep turned it down.
 
In Russia, show the least bit of athletic aptitude and they have you dangling from the parallel bars in a leotard full of hormones
 
I've just attempted to make porridge in the microwave twice and both times it has exploded all over the microwave.

I'm not ENTIRELY sure what I've done wrong :D
 
Talking about porridge, can you make overnight oats with just normal porridge oats or do they actually need to be actual real overnight oats?
 
Today's task is to make a car from an Amazon box. WATCH THIS SPACE.

I've already cut the wrong bit and am having to super glue, which has gone all over my fingers.
 
Star said:
Talking about porridge, can you make overnight oats with just normal porridge oats or do they actually need to be actual real overnight oats?
Click to expand...

It's just oats. Oats are oats :D
 
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I'm working at home today, despite usually being in the office, so I'm going to use the time WISELY and get the washing done and have a run round with the vacuum.
 
I went to my house yesterday to pick up some books (I'm staying with my parents) and saw what I think is a dead fox in the back garden. I checked my CCTV and it seems that it was a very shabby and diseased animal, and I watched the final seconds of its life. :(

But how do I GET RID OF IT, especially in these corona times? I've emailed the council (contact centres are closed), but I suspect they won't do anything. I want it sorted relatively quick cos it died there on SUNDAY. :zombie: Can anybody advise?
 
Beverley said:
I went to my house yesterday to pick up some books (I'm staying with my parents) and saw what I think is a dead fox in the back garden. I checked my CCTV and it seems that it was a very shabby and diseased animal, and I watched the final seconds of its life. :(

But how do I GET RID OF IT, especially in these corona times? I've emailed the council (contact centres are closed), but I suspect they won't do anything. I want it sorted relatively quick cos it died there on SUNDAY. :zombie: Can anybody advise?
Click to expand...
Can you not just get a spade and chuck it over the fence?
 
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Beverley said:
I went to my house yesterday to pick up some books (I'm staying with my parents) and saw what I think is a dead fox in the back garden. I checked my CCTV and it seems that it was a very shabby and diseased animal, and I watched the final seconds of its life. :(

But how do I GET RID OF IT, especially in these corona times? I've emailed the council (contact centres are closed), but I suspect they won't do anything. I want it sorted relatively quick cos it died there on SUNDAY. :zombie: Can anybody advise?
Click to expand...

Dig a hole and bury it, or let it rot and other stuff will eat it. Depends how big your garden is, how big your appetite for buying a rotting corpse is, and how much carrion devouring prey you have in the area I guess?
 
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Had another sleep in. Must have needed it.

Making a list so that I don't forget anything in Boots - I usually pop into the one near the office all the time but I haven't been able to fit it into my Government Approved Exercise and am now almost out of almost everything I usually get from them. My poor Advantage card will be feeling so neglected.
 
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