I want reviews of the songs for whoever feels like doing it!
Oh GO ON THEN
1
Greenland - Liz - Last Call (After Party Mix)
I enjoy it while I’m listening to it, but I instantly forget it straight after. Is that a good sign?
2
Cayman Islands - Marcus and Martinus - Make You Believe In Love
This is better on Spotify, divorced from the ‘oh, I didn’t realise the twins from The Shining had transitioned’ visuals. They got their songwriting badge from Scouts for this, bless.
3
Cornwall - LEON – Falling
Again, not bad. It sort of wafts past amiably enough.
4
United Arab Emirates - Clare Laffut feat. Yseult – Nudes
If this is the quality of her Nudes, I think I’ll just hold out for the follow up single ‘Boiler Suit and Welding Mask’.
5
Croatia - Beast in Black - Sweet True Lies
I expected many things from joining a gay-interest chat lounge. Irrefutable proof of the existence of God wasn’t one of them, so bravo to (I assume)
@Suomi for this.
6
Saint Kitts and Nevis - Cosima - Close To You (Moonlighting)
Didn’t mind this at all, even if she sings it like she’s got the vibrating love eggs set to ‘random’.
7
British Indian Ocean Territory - Stockholm Noir feat. Ofelia - Boy Like A Girl
This starts well, then continues to start for a further five minutes. It’s the sort of song you’d hear in a club on Eastenders where they’re all there at 5 in the afternoon and able to have conversations at normal volume.
8
Tunisia - Scandal'Us – History
This was released as a charity single so they could buy the last vowel they needed to complete their name. Unsurprisingly, the apostrophe is still there to this day.
9
Belize - Macy Rodman - She Will Be A Relic One Day
Oh this was MUCH better on Spotify, as long as you listen to the karaoke version. The vocals let down something that would otherwise be a banger.
10
Faroe islands - Natassa Bofiliou - Oi Meres Tou Fotos
Real name Natasha Buffalo. It’s quite nice - not hugely memorable, but she deserves credit for singing the whole thing in Greek considering she’s from Rochdale.
11
Portugal - Kosheen – Waste
Sounds both over and under produced at the same time. Either way, I do properly like this one.
12
Finland - Gareth Emery feat. Bo Bruce – U
My chavvy little heart is gurning for joy. I just want to drop a load of cheap pills and start crying.
13
Iran - Dana International - Fata Morgana
You have to admire the gall of anyone who will chuck in any old shite which isn’t even on Spotify, and expect it to do well because it’s by Dana International.
14
Belgium - Yasmine Hamdan – Nediya
I’m trying not to be too mean, so I’ll just say this is Doncaster with lyrics and leave you to make of that what you will.
15
Chile - Deep Dish - Say Hello
Majestic. This brought back a lot of memories of being twatted on Goldschlager at McCauleys in Bolton and shouting at the DJ to play ‘that one about Hello’ for the fifteenth time that night.
16
Liechtenstein - Twinnie - Type of Girl
It’s not as bad as people are making out, but it’s very ‘quirky by committee’. She’s fit, which is a plus, but you can also just tell that she communicates entirely with emojis.
17
Namibia - S.O.A.P. - Live Forever
Live Forever? This crossbow says otherwise.
18
Slovenia - Greyson Chance - seasons nineteen
Yes, it’s got a cock, but there was no need for so many of you to call the police on it last night. I actually like it, fuck the h8rs.
19
Sweden - Paradisio – Bailando
“OMG BIGGER THAN THE BEATLES” Trilled the continental Moopists.
“I don’t know her” Said everyone else.
20
Cuba - Style of Eye feat. Soso – Kids
Well fuck me sideways! This was a sexy little surprise. The best thing to come out of Cuba since that video of Fidel Castro falling downstairs and faceplanting a load of chairs.
21
England - Bassekou Kouyate - Musow Fanga
I mean, I like a joke but COME ON…
22
Puerto Rico - Jennifer Paige - To the Madness
Wallpapery little ditty by Jennifer Paige, who segued the success of her international megahit ‘Crush’ into a stellar career of living off the royalties of her international megahit ‘Crush’.
23
American Samoa - Cherona - Rigga Ding Dong Song
You hate it, I don’t. And since only one of us has the gun, you tell me who’s right.
24
Mexico - Benee – Supalonely
Of all the songs in this year’s contest, this was one of them.
25
Sri Lanka - Francesca Michellin, Charlie Charles – Cheyenne
If only Italy would send a song like this to Eurovision, they’d finally have a counterpoint to the age-old saying ‘Italy are always fucking shit when they send women to Eurovision’. Absolutely fucking magical.
26
Swaziland - Kelly Oliver – Jericho
The smiling face of mass poisoning at a religious compound in Bolivia. I actually really like this, but then I’m a sucker for a jaunty harmonica.
27
Vatican City State - ionnalee – SAMARITAN
It’s nice enough, and I imagine it’ll do well. I can’t seem to muster any more of an opinion on it than that.
28
North Korea - Tessa Violet - I Like (the Idea) of You
I like (the idea) of Stacy Kiebler turning up on my doorstep with a briefcase full of unmarked tenners and a freshly made pork pie down her drawers, but I don’t feel the need to write a fucking song about it.
29
Libya - Soraya Arnelas – Twilight
@Alla picked well here. The chorus could do with a bit of oomph, but this is one of the best of the shameless gaybait entries tonight.
30
Nepal - Barbara - Ma plus belle historie d'amour
@Zu-Klara, you got some ‘splainin to do. Twenty six minutes of being admonished by an ageing French art teacher left me emotionally drained and uncomfortably aroused.
31
Uzbekistan - J SOUL BROTHERS III - R.Y.U.S.E.I
I really don’t understand the hate for this. Jaetike didn’t die so that Moopy could become a breeding ground for anti-East Asian rhetoric.
All in all 8/10 would finger in taxi. Cheers everyone!