Moopyvision 2010-2019 Round 14: Croatia, Romania & Switzerland

[Dark Carnival]

Oh I know nobody's reading but I'm just going to burn through these last three.

3rd: Zibbz - Stones (129pts)

"I want anybody who's ever been hurt by anyone to PUT YOUR HANDS UP!"

OMG, she's talking about ME!

Apparently these two were local reality TV stars, and this did have a strong whiff of the vanity entry. A level of basic competence was enough for some of us in Lisbon to get unduly excited about their chances of qualifying with this, but ultimately it takes more than a few glowsticks and some straight out of 2003 styling to get a song this flaccid into the finals.

1 x 12 (Suomi)
2 x 0 (Alla, wurst)

how is this shit so high? Ugh you disgust me moopy

 

[VoR]

2nd: Timebelle - Apollo (139pts)

The kind of acceptable Euro power ballad that's always just on the cusp of qualifying one way or another. This being Switzerland, they fell short. Rocking up dressed like Big Bird probably didn't help, and I'm not sure what emotion the piano player was trying for with his creepy gurning around the 2 minute mark. In fact, the more I watch this performance, the more it seems like nothing about the way it was conceived makes any sense whatsoever.

Regardless, as a package it's probably worthy of being in the dictionary under 'Average Eurovision song'. This being Switzerland, that's enough for second place here! What a country!

1 x 12 (Kalabaliken)
1 x 1 (Kevin7)

1st: Luca Hänni - She Got Me (233pts)

An understandable walkover here for Switzerland's only talented performer under the age of 90.

Having already scored some pan-European success after winning German Idol in 2012, Hänni had been on the Eurovision radar for a while. The song is the kind of shameless Despacito re-write either Louis or Liam from One Direction (still can't tell them apart, soz) would get to #143 with, but in this context it was quite the fresh and modern banger. Luca's lovely beefy arms probably brought in a point or 12 too.

Well done Swizerland, you are absolutely fuck-awful, but you ended this decade on a high at least. I kind of hope this doesn't build to another win, because the cost of a fortnight in ZURICH would probably see off my hopes of property ownership for life. Maybe give that lovely DJ Bobo another shot, eh?

16 x 12 (VoR, Jacques, Buttertart, Soldi, Tischlampe, Pingu, Raining On Me, Ag, dmlaw, Kevin7, David_5000, Alla, wurst, Kevin, superstylin', Ill advised)
1 x 4 (Kalabaliken )

 

[VoR]

I agree, when @VoR says “reality tv star” does he mean X Factor or Geordie Shore?

Apparently they had a show following their attempts to crack America.

I can only assume it was quietly cancelled mid-season.

 

[ButterTart]

Correct top two. She Got Me was really far too good to be Swiss, and I maintain Apollo would have qualified had she not got such a prominent moustache.

 

[Beverley]

I sort of fancied the Timbelle piano player

 

[Beverley]

Wrong thread

 

[Tisch]

I thought timebelle was AWFUL!

 

[ButterTart]

Fun fact: I though the lyrics to Apollo were 'don't pull the rug from under me thus', which I liked because it was a bit classy. When I found out it was 'underneath us', I legitimately went off it a bit.

 

[Alla]

Oh for god's sake Kala

 

[Dark Carnival]

Croatia done. Literally not a single one I like there.

 

[Dark Carnival]

Still fuming over how you bitches treated My Time To Shine. I maintain that it's an excellent entry

 

[Kevin]

She Got Me was by far the best for Switzerland but looking at the badly sung uptempos of 19 I much prefer Say Na Na Na.

 

[Jacques]

I can't believe that "Il Pleut de l'or" shite managed top 5. It should've been bottom 3 with Melanie and Rykka, I mean there's a VERY GOOD reason that these three all came last in a semi!

 

[VoR]

Croatia results incoming...

 

[Dark Carnival]

EXCITED

 

[Jacques]

The country I've most been looking forward to, don't fuck it up Moopy

 

[Dark Carnival]

It has already fucked itself up, love.

 

[VoR]

8th: Klapa s mora - Mižerja (69pts)

On the whole, I don't really approve of 'vocal harmony groups' at Eurovision. Nine times out of ten it's just a byword for pretentious showboating and precious little in the way of an actual TUNE. But I don't actually mind this one. It's really quite rousing in a Croatia goes to Disney World sort of way. Imagine, if you will, that they're all the handsome prince's loyal servants, and this song is their show piece about how rewarding it is to weave expensive jackets for their feudal overlords.

I'm not sure that was exactly the vibe Croatia were going for here, but one thing we do know for certain is that this was a cost-cutting exercise, assembled by the broadcaster on a shoestring to replace their long-running national selection (which hadn't turned out a hit in years) and to double as a convenient soundbed for tourist board commercials.

An example of traditional Croatian Klapa music, which apparently celebrates friends, wine and the sea, their whole 'singing waiter' vibe didn't really travel well outside the fish restaurants of Dalmatia, as evidenced by the utterly dead audience in the live performance. This was my first ever Eurovision and I have a feeling I wandered off to the loo during this one. Their fourth consecutive non-qualifier, it inspired them to take the next two years out to rethink things a bit.

4 x 8 (Penelope, Tischlampe, wurst, dmlaw)
4 x 0 (Dark Carnival, Suomi, Raining on Me, Ag)

 

[VoR]

7th: Roko - The Dream (92pts)

Another of those curious Eurovision entries that essentially seems to be trying to translate the fledgling gay experience via the medium of interpretive dance, with paunchy young wallflower Roko being gently welcomed into the nightclub by a pair of oiled-up angels who immediately ditch him once the uppers kick in.

Penned by Jacques Houdek, this sadly lacks the multi-faceted dynamism of My Fwend, and essentially consists of three minutes of screaming that eschews any kind of meaningful progression in favour of just staying the same but louder. One of my least favourite Eurovision micro-genres. I'm surprised this scored as highly as it did - were some of you blinded by the pit crew?

1 x 12 (Dark Carnival)
6 x 0 (Kevin, Pingu, Win The Game, Soldi, auretz, VoR)

 

[Dark Carnival]

See I thought that was the only entry that had a tune for it to be memorable enough.

I really don't care, but still fuck all of you.

 

[D5K]

See I thought that was the only entry that had a tune for it to be memorable enough.

I really don't care, but still fuck all of you.

I rated it much higher than I'd been expecting going into this.

 

[Alla]

See I thought that was the only entry that had a tune for it to be memorable enough.

I really don't care, but still fuck all of you.

Maybe those twinks with wings have anything to do with it?

 

[Jacques]

Look, I know that "The Dream" is technically bad, but how did Franka draw feeling from ANYONE?

It was the ridiculous wings that blinded me btw

 

[VoR]

6th: Jacques Houdek - My Friend (97pts)

Speaking of old two tons 'o fun Houdek, here he is again. Shame on you Moopy - surely something this audaciously batshit at least deserves to rank higher than some of the bilge to follow?

What to say about this one that hasn't already been said? The ingenuous conceit of turning up as both Rene *and* Renato was a minor game-changer in 2017, proof that even in Eurovision the well of fresh gimmicks has never truly run dry.

The song is, of course, absolute garbage, but whether or not he's in on the joke on any level (the jury's still out on that one) he sells it with a level of embarrassment-free conviction that it's hard not to warm to.

My favourite Jacques moment in Kyiv was when Croatia were called out as a qualifier, and you can actually see him try to jump up in delight, only to realise 'whoops, I'm too fat' a micro-second into his attempted rise. Bless.

4 x 12 (Jacques, dmlaw, Buttertart, Ag)
5 x 0 (Kalabaliken, Alla, superstylin', wurst, Kevin7)

 

[Dark Carnival]

Maybe those twinks with wings have anything to do with it?

I'm sure they're lovely people and everything but I still wouldn't touch either even after two months of lockdown.

 

[Jacques]

THE FUCK???!

 

[Dark Carnival]

6th: Jacques Houdek - My Friend (97pts)

4 x 12 (Jacques)

Is... that the reason behind the username?

 

[Jacques]

@VoR please say you've accidentally missed 2012 from your spreadsheet

 

[Dark Carnival]

Oh DEAR

 

[Alla]

!

 

[Jacques]

Is... that the reason behind the username?

It's not just the username love, his wise words are enshrined in my signature too

 

[dmlaw]

I can't say that I was expecting much better for Jacques but it's still disappointing. This was one of only two remotely memorable Croatian entries and I will now have to whole heartedly support Feminem.

 

[VoR]

5th: Franka - Crazy (99pts)

Oh this one makes me SO CROSS. I still remember the excitement of hearing the first couple of snippets, in which it sounded like a properly exciting sultry gem, only for the final reveal to be this big old pile o'nothing.

Essentially Sam Brown's Stop with ill-advised rapping and an immeasurably crapper hook, Franka does her best with it I suppose, but in retrospect it really wasn't even worth getting stitched into the dress for.

How is this 5th, Moopy? There is NOTHING THERE. It's so empty it almost qualifies as an anti-entry.

1 x 12 (Soldi)
2 x 0 (Tischlampe, Ill Advised)

 

[dmlaw]

Oh shit. I just realised that Daria hasn't been on yet.

 

[Jacques]

Oh shit. I just realised that Daria hasn't been on yet.

All my hopes are resting on her now!

 

[VoR]

4th: Nina Badric - Nebo (106pts)

Look, I'm as surprised as you are, but in a particularly craptacular round, I guess there's a level of professionalism here that appeals to some.

The most interesting thing I can think of to say about Nina is that she bears a striking resemblance to evil X Factor UK finalist Niki Evans. Oh, and she also apparently put her husband on an extensive sex ban so she could feel suitably consumed with longing for this performance. As excuses go, it beats 'sorry luv, I think I feel a migraine coming on' I suppose.

2012 Semi Two was an absolute pile-up of this kind of dramatic Balkan fare, with Serbia, Macedonia, and a near-identical entry from Bosnia. This one drew the short straw and missed the qualification window, which must have made her presumably blue-balled beloved feel just great about the whole sorry experience.

4 x 12 (Win the Game, Kevin, Suomi, Ill Advised)
3 x 0 (Buttertart, David_5000, Penelope)

 

[Soldi]

5th: Franka - Crazy (99pts)

Oh this one makes me SO CROSS. I still remember the excitement of hearing the first couple of snippets, in which it sounded like a properly exciting sultry gem, only for the final reveal to be this big old pile o'nothing.

Essentially Sam Brown's Stop with ill-advised rapping and an immeasurably crapper hook, Franka does her best with it I suppose, but in retrospect it really wasn't even worth getting stitched into the dress for.

How is this 5th, Moopy? There is NOTHING THERE. It's so empty it almost qualifies as an anti-entry.

1 x 12 (Soldi)
2 x 0 (Tischlampe, Ill Advised)

Oh WELL. That said she was my LAST pre rehearsals

 

[VoR]

3rd: Daria - Celebrate (154pts)

Now this is more like it! You've got to love a song that starts off promising a relatively contemporary SULTRY BANGER, only to awkwardly lurch into the most basic bitch eurovision chorus imaginable.

Much to admire here. Daria's gamine flailing, the succession if increasingly hideous dresses, that catwalk STRUT that resembles nothing more than a pissed up hen party casualty staggering down the main street after being chucked out of Flares for lewd behaviour, the truly craptacular middle-eight ("Just keep moving and dancing and dancing and dancing" - INSPIRED!) and, of course:

A literal hate crime that this didn't qualify over some of the dreck in that semi final. Suffused with the very spirit of Eurovision.

4 x 12 (VoR, Pingu, Penelope, Tischlampe)
1 x 0 (dmlaw is evidently not in the mood to salibrate )

 

[Jacques]

I'll be fine if Feminnem take this but "Call Me" it is NOT

 

[Soldi]

My SECOND favourite is still in